Ask Jack#2 "The honeymoon is over"

Anonymous said...

i have a general question that boggles my mind: is there such thing as a honeymoon phase? if so, when does its usually occur and how long does its last? would this occur during the lust phase of a relationship . . . . . . .

thanks,
"When the honeymoon is over"

_______________________

Dear "When the honeymoon is over",

Yes, there is a Honeymoon period. For me the "Honeymoon Period" is actually a thick section of the act of "Courtship". It's when you are experiencing the fresh scent of newness and the feel of a new skin on yours that you and the object of your affection tend to emotionally put on your 'Sunday Best'. It's instinctual to want your boyfriend or girlfriend to see you in the best light, so the journey through the first bloom of romance is going to be heightened. Most people consciously avoid arguments, downplay insecurities and phobias. All faults are left on the back burner because you are looking at this new joint venture through these spectacular rose tinted glasses and you're willing to be somewhat blinded by the light. Face it, who really wants to think the worst of a possible new mate, perhaps someone you could marry? We all want the grand love story and most people go into dating, especially with someone who presents themselves early on as a possible serious partner- and "great love", willingly in a nice thick purple haze, a Haze so thick faults aren't readily noticed, and if you do find fault with the guy, but really really like him, you'll make up some reason to grant him an exception. This is what MOST people do.. but certainly not all.

The honeymoon ends when you have your first argument that doesn't magically end with tight and clean resolve. The honeymoon is over when the purple haze clears and your faults emerge with his, like sunken ships of past wreckage floating to the surface of an ocean rather than a lake and the reality that you're actually dealing with another human instead of a romance novel character becomes HD clear. The honeymoon is over, and now you are left with questions that need answers like: "Can i live with the fact that he's really narcissistic, I thought the fact he talked about himself a lot was just because we were getting to know each other, and when he talked about himself in third person, i thought was cute. But Now it's annoying. And i'm realizing that our outings all center on his schedule and not mine." When you start to think thoughts like THIS, the honeymoon is over and reality has slapped you in the face like a slab of raw cold dead beef fresh from the butcher. There will be blood.

ALL of this is WORST case scenario. Most faults aren't so glaring. We are human. Most faults are actually workable. Faults like schedule, money, slight differences in poltical and personal opinions. The honeymoon period obscures these because they don't matter to you so much as just basking in the glow of partner who fits the bill, turns you on and interest you enough that you invest time in them. You'll know the honeymoon is over when you begin the task, seemingly automatically, of auditing what you've spent emotionally and even intellectually on this relationship.

I must add though I think that there is really no way to avoid the honeymoon period and it's inevitable end. I think it's the healthiest, most natural route..maybe the only route. I mean, think about it. How many people enter a dating situation with all the baggage on the table- tagged and labeled. Would you date the guy who said this to you on the first date?:

"I was sexually abused when i was a child, so i am hyper sexual.. and enjoy sex.. and in 3 weeks i will shut down sexually towards you and start to pursue other purely sexual relationships with other women while still dating you.. i will lie to you but not directly, i will lie indirectly by leaving out details, so when you find out i have "lied" i will bank on your lingering doubts to excuse such behavior from me.. i will get a little distant but by then you will have been exposed you to my sweetness and you will sympathize with me and allow me to treat you like shit because i will appeal to your god complex. I also have an inferiority complex and I will by week 5 become overly defensive in general, light disagreements. When we go out with your friends i will get jealous and will cause an argument to bring your attention back to me so that I feel special again. Your friends will start to not want to hang around us, and i will use this make you feel as if i am being unfairly judged by them. This will bring you closer to me, and by the end of the year we will be one big co-dependent mess."



Best regards,

Jack Kash