laid to unrest

Before i put the Mandingo Entry and it's multifaceted structure to rest, and avoid the topic of race for a few months or until something unavoidable renders itself onto cultural or personal fabric that I MUST comment, I want to close with these words and a few short stories into my history and why racial issues matter much to me and how.

I think matters of race and discrimination can never be fully understood under an umbrella epiphany. It's virtually impossible for everyone to understand where everyone comes from, so least we can work towards is tolerance and an acceptance of dialogue. Whenever i travel to the south the emotions i have about my race and how i relate to racism and bigotry seem to float to the top. By no means are my negative experiences limited to the south... they go all the way back to a child in southern California. But i didn't KNOW what it felt like to truly feel as if you are completely subhuman until i came out and a little incident in Louisiana in which i arrested for the first time in my life, in a wal-mart parking lot looking for a lost car. The deafening and humiliating blow of the Louisiana experience was so sobering as to what reality is vs the way it SHOULD be, that I can now say from now until I die.. I can split my life into two Categories Pre-Louisiana and Post. From that experience, My head slammed on the back of a police car- while 15 to 20 people watched as i was branded as a criminal for an hour that seemed to last a fucking day, I learned that no matter who you think you are, you will always be something or someone else to someone else. For we exist in the fun-house mirrored halls of perception- and there are a lot people who will view me and have viewed me for nothing else than being a black man through the distortion of their beholder lens. So of course I'm going to write about it, I'm going to share my opinions on it. To those who say, let it rest- get over it. I can already guess the color of your skin-and the color of your skin allows you that option. And that is a blessing.

For those who can not- then I speak to you about you. I speak about US. The feelings that i often feel of NOT having a legitimate claim to breath. NO legitimate claim to walk at night without being feared or a cop thinking i am up to no good. I come from a kind that is worthless but because i am "attractive" or "particularly smart" i beat the rest of 'em out, by an inch. The feeling that I am a house Negro that panders to the majority for acceptance and asylum from the menace of the minority. The feeling that i have third and fourth rate rights period. When i am in a store i must pay attention to my hands and instantly check my bag even if there is no sign requiring you to do so. I must pay attention to what i am wearing on the streets and that I should make sure i talk clean and in neat sentences. The feeling that i must exert in a manner overt that I am educated and smart and i will not rob you. I am not a violent crackhead. I don't chase after white men. But i don't fraternize with only blacks because they have no social hold.

I am not a monster. But i feel as if i am one.


So I will not stop writing about these issues or how i personally feel, even if it is displeasing to someone who crosses this blog. I am not asking for sympathy either. No "oh poor black guy"..."poor angry black guy".. I am not angry.. maybe a tad bit worn but i am increasingly motivated to take apart these issues that still haunt us.. even if it appears as if they've gone away.. they haven't. They've shifted and mutated much like every social issue existing now and today. They haven't fully healed because a great portion of people think that it's been solved, it's like still-water pushed under the bed frame... mildew becomes airborne, bed we lie in infested and toxic.

My mother read the Mandingo entry. On a lighter note, she wagged her finger at me for using the word Cracker. "I'm surprised at you.. you have white friends.. apologize!" My defense of, This is the format i write in and the context that used that word is explained in the passages and tone of the essay, was lost on deaf ears. "I raised you to be racially sensitive. "

So with that!!

I'm sorry for using the word cracker and to those who i offended. I apologize profusely.

I should have used Honky.