In my moments of self reflection and analyzation, I often am trying to piece together what went horribly wrong. Why am I the way i am? What helped shaped me into what and who i am today and exactly what to do with it? And in doing so i bandy about a bunch of ideas, most of them stew like raw meat on a very slow burning stove, and move onto the next thing and before i know it, when i return to that thought it's charred and sticking to the pot. Inedible. But it's all that i have to eat. So i make due, and I begin the process of salvaging what is at last 20% edible.
Food for thought.
Often times i ponder why my sex life has always been unsatisfactory and half of the men i;'ve fucked i've never really liked. Yeah. I'll admit it. They sucked. If you are one of them and are reading this right now, You were the good one. You rocked! The rest were bad. I'm quite sure that I am someones bad lay. Multiple peoples BAD...LAY.
And when i say it was bad sex, i'm going to admit upfront before i go any further that only I can take the blame. And when i divulge why that most of the sex i have had was bad and regrettable, I know you're going to say.. well that was your fault.I have to set that up first before i bite my own very bitter bullet. I suppose no bullet is sweet.
When i was 14, I had my first sexual experience in High School with a friend. we were both 14 and it was experimentation to him and more of a right of passage for me. Blowing him was walking the yellow brick road to emerald city. Instead of a city made out of semi precious stones, it was made of dick. Lots of dick. With his ejaculation I walked through the doors of sexual perception clean. Everything possible. Now, 14 years later I'm filthy. How did it get this way?
When you first have sex, I think most of us do it just to do it because it's something to done. A right of passage, and it's toss up on whether it's meaningful for you, beyond the meaning of the fact you did it! You came, with another human being. For me, the guy was just some friend. Nothing else. Not terribly attractive to me at the time other than he had a dick and was available. And availability, we learn as adults, is MOST of the battle in terms of just getting laid. He meant nothing more to me than a get off than I meant to him. And i was fine with that. Did that first encounter set the stage for what would become my adult sex life?
Now here's where I'll tell you what i think went wrong. As a teenager I was raised with the idea that beauty was only skin deep. Nothing you could put stock in and inside is what mattered. My generation was completely sold that with Disney's Beauty and The Beast. Every late 20's kid remembers that hitting the box office and your VCR's while your parents invited you to forget they existed for 90 minutes. The 80's and the early 90's were the age of the "very special episode". Episodes that taught us that drugs were bad and that you couldn't get AIDS off a toilet seat or by sharing an ice cream cone.Social messages were drilled into our head and especially the idea of tolerance. Which is a great one, for any generation. But something went askew. Maybe it was just for me. I shrug.
In between the messages that were instilled in me to look beyond "someones appearance". "Don't be judgmental" and "Don't hurt other peoples feelings" and "Sharing is caring"... I don't think I was ever told how those sentiments would carry into the adult world. The real beast, that one would have to struggle to find beauty within. Is there a generation that took those messages a little too litterally. Or have those messages been metastasized into something oppressive and dark. Lost?
Ok.. So... In my early 20's is when i started to really date and have an active sex life. But i tended to give myself away to the underdig. the guy who was sweet. The guy who was smart. Not going for the attractive guy because he is bad. And that would make me shallow to go for attractive people, wouldn't it? That's how my mind was warped by those messages. And Of course unattractive men, who KNOW they are unattractive have to be fucking nice, and funny and smart because they don't have shit to work with visually in a world which predominately rewards the attractive with instant pleasures, many of which warp the highly attractive into a false sense of importance. The ugly man wins because his gifts carry him further to the game. The average attractive person, if they do not get intervention, will slide into only relying on their attractiveness to get what they want and when they are no longer attractive. They're fucked.
As a kid, I knew this. I never thought i was attractive until i was told only after high school. And maybe i'm still unwilling accept it because i have never trusted it. But in my life I have been blessed with many men who want to fuck me. And THAT, my friends, is NOT something one would want to brag about actually. It's cold and alienating in the long run. My sex life was comprised of one night stands and brief relationships with people who I made myself see something more in them... or I felt at times obligated to have sex with. This is perverse... but have you ever dated someone because they were kind and you thought they were safe, living out some fantasy in your head that the unattractive guy somehow is going to be better than the attractive guy. I was always getting close, or feeling sorry for men at bars who would coward and give me a compliment, and say nice things...and If i act as if i was attracted to them, i would feel as if i was harming their self image, which was secretly just as fragile as theirs, because i was morphing into a slut who was easy. Basically that is what i became.
Did i say that out loud?
Ami blaming poltical correctness for brainwashing me into misconstruing "Don't be prejudice. Beauty is skin deep." into EVERYONE is Attractive? Maybe. I think culturally that is what those messages have been mangled into in counter-cultures when we're telling people how they should feel about something or someone. The message is left as is, and can be used later on as manipulation by whoever is picking up where that message left off. "Everyone is beautiful" becomes "I must find everyone attractive." maybe i'm just the only dumbass who took that so literally in that it completely ruined my sex life and now i'm a bitter 28 year old trying to reboot his sex life with 9 months of celibacy and whole lot of therapy. Yes, i'm trying rediscover sex and myself. Being ok with having preferences and saying no...and knowing what i want and seeing through others intentions. Now, why i am riffling these thoughts into an electronic ether, is beyond me.
Maybe i want to know if i am alone. Maybe I'm trying to excuse something else with the hypothesis above? Maybe i was just an easy slut in need of affection and attention? Maybe i am just insane while everyone else is quite content with saying no to someone they don't find attractive thus they didn't stick around for manipulation?*shrugs*
Food for thought.
I thought this rant belonged here.
