The Obligatory Boyfriend

Awash with ideas on how to reboot my blog, I settled with writing about NOW. I wrote and rewrote about the insanity of the end of last year. It was spectacular and jungian. Everything i wanted to happen, happened. But backwards. My face fell off.

And zoom forward to now, I'm not looking back. I'm rather just focused on forward with one of those cones around my head that you give dogs so that they don't chew their nuts after you've had them neutered and keep their wounds from healing.

Earlier tonight i was on a website, the kind ya go to and flirt with men you have no intetion on meeting and masturbate to their webcam vids and trade hollow compliments with... the kind that go "Ur hot." Yeah. I was on one of those and This very attractive guy, white guy, sent me a message with very naughty photos of himself for the second time in the previous week, i might add. He was New Orleans and his profile said he was happily engaged in a "long term" relationship with a guy who was also on this website. He listed the screen name of his boyfriend. I instantly knew his boyfriend was black...and judging from his own attractiveness, his black boyfriend was also attractive..and probably more attractive than he. I looked up the black boyfriend and sure enough.. he was a black male with a gorgeous physique. Shaved head. He looked a little like me if i went on steroids and was mid 40's and a circuit queen, a fate that i could very well choose if i really wanted to. I mean.. how easy is it to be... THAT?

My judgment gave way to a weird uncomfortable unwanted longing, which led to a question..

Why am i missing my obligatory boyfriend?

Whats wrong with me.

This is not uncharted territory. All you have to do is go like 7 entries back and you'll discovered i have played with this very shape of idea before. But the addition to this was the lingering question to the guy who sent me the message.. "Why are you on here when you have this beautiful guy on your arm, supposedly?"

Envy filled my heart. An uncomfortable envy. And my front had been exposed. Although I am perfectly fine with being alone, somewhere inside myself, somewhere close enough to the surface to be seen, I .... I feel left out on something.

Left out of things like going to the gym with my gay homosexual lover. Having fights with him. Making up. Boring friends with talk of how perfect he is to the point they avoid me and mock me when i am not in their presence. Left out on feeling unsatisfied with our relationship because i have the option to. Gay cruises. Left out of getting bored with him, so we go pick up a hooker or someone easy to both fuck and keep it secret. Or left out of longing what could have been with someone else. I feel left out on then dragging someone single into my relationship woes only to stick with my man while the single guy gets the short end of the stick and starts wondering everything i am wondering now.

So with everything that i've mentioned above- the insult to injury is...

"Why am i even bothered by this?"

I see this shit all the time. Not that there aren't couples that aren't 100% happy and faithful and all poppies and glory. I think that to see the men who pass me by and give me a wink and nod while they are supposedly in happy relationships- yet confessing to me otherwise- somehow, quite frankly, unnerves me. I would be perfectly happy with someone who fit. And Yes, I have a sheer reluctance to fall into mold where I'm with some white dude because he adores me because I add some spice into his life ...and he's a bottom. What scares me is that... it seems to be like "what is destined". There is no control over it.

I'm Capricorn, so there's an issue with that line of thinking. We LIKE control.

Another component to this uneasiness with men who appear to be in obligatory relationships (the white guy with the black guy/The two "professionals" who adopt a baby and a nanny) and then surf outside of that relationship to "floaters" like me, is that they don't seem to be satisfied and have "enough". They want more. and more. To a single lad, who has been single for ages...and afraid of this scenario, thus i tend to circumvent commitment- This is annoying and unfortunate.

Yes, I'm speaking from a well of experience because, for some odd reason, a reason i am aware of, I'm a lightning rod for these men. And all of these thoughts might not make much sense. I admit they are pretty disjointed, but i'm doing my best to pull them together for you. For your consideration.


Anyhow. This is my first entry in ages. I don't mind that it's a little rough cut.

I will say that i am back.

and thank you for reading. *smile*

Time to search for my obligatory boyfriend.