Ask Jack#2 "The honeymoon is over"

Anonymous said...

i have a general question that boggles my mind: is there such thing as a honeymoon phase? if so, when does its usually occur and how long does its last? would this occur during the lust phase of a relationship . . . . . . .

thanks,
"When the honeymoon is over"

_______________________

Dear "When the honeymoon is over",

Yes, there is a Honeymoon period. For me the "Honeymoon Period" is actually a thick section of the act of "Courtship". It's when you are experiencing the fresh scent of newness and the feel of a new skin on yours that you and the object of your affection tend to emotionally put on your 'Sunday Best'. It's instinctual to want your boyfriend or girlfriend to see you in the best light, so the journey through the first bloom of romance is going to be heightened. Most people consciously avoid arguments, downplay insecurities and phobias. All faults are left on the back burner because you are looking at this new joint venture through these spectacular rose tinted glasses and you're willing to be somewhat blinded by the light. Face it, who really wants to think the worst of a possible new mate, perhaps someone you could marry? We all want the grand love story and most people go into dating, especially with someone who presents themselves early on as a possible serious partner- and "great love", willingly in a nice thick purple haze, a Haze so thick faults aren't readily noticed, and if you do find fault with the guy, but really really like him, you'll make up some reason to grant him an exception. This is what MOST people do.. but certainly not all.

The honeymoon ends when you have your first argument that doesn't magically end with tight and clean resolve. The honeymoon is over when the purple haze clears and your faults emerge with his, like sunken ships of past wreckage floating to the surface of an ocean rather than a lake and the reality that you're actually dealing with another human instead of a romance novel character becomes HD clear. The honeymoon is over, and now you are left with questions that need answers like: "Can i live with the fact that he's really narcissistic, I thought the fact he talked about himself a lot was just because we were getting to know each other, and when he talked about himself in third person, i thought was cute. But Now it's annoying. And i'm realizing that our outings all center on his schedule and not mine." When you start to think thoughts like THIS, the honeymoon is over and reality has slapped you in the face like a slab of raw cold dead beef fresh from the butcher. There will be blood.

ALL of this is WORST case scenario. Most faults aren't so glaring. We are human. Most faults are actually workable. Faults like schedule, money, slight differences in poltical and personal opinions. The honeymoon period obscures these because they don't matter to you so much as just basking in the glow of partner who fits the bill, turns you on and interest you enough that you invest time in them. You'll know the honeymoon is over when you begin the task, seemingly automatically, of auditing what you've spent emotionally and even intellectually on this relationship.

I must add though I think that there is really no way to avoid the honeymoon period and it's inevitable end. I think it's the healthiest, most natural route..maybe the only route. I mean, think about it. How many people enter a dating situation with all the baggage on the table- tagged and labeled. Would you date the guy who said this to you on the first date?:

"I was sexually abused when i was a child, so i am hyper sexual.. and enjoy sex.. and in 3 weeks i will shut down sexually towards you and start to pursue other purely sexual relationships with other women while still dating you.. i will lie to you but not directly, i will lie indirectly by leaving out details, so when you find out i have "lied" i will bank on your lingering doubts to excuse such behavior from me.. i will get a little distant but by then you will have been exposed you to my sweetness and you will sympathize with me and allow me to treat you like shit because i will appeal to your god complex. I also have an inferiority complex and I will by week 5 become overly defensive in general, light disagreements. When we go out with your friends i will get jealous and will cause an argument to bring your attention back to me so that I feel special again. Your friends will start to not want to hang around us, and i will use this make you feel as if i am being unfairly judged by them. This will bring you closer to me, and by the end of the year we will be one big co-dependent mess."



Best regards,

Jack Kash

laid to unrest

Before i put the Mandingo Entry and it's multifaceted structure to rest, and avoid the topic of race for a few months or until something unavoidable renders itself onto cultural or personal fabric that I MUST comment, I want to close with these words and a few short stories into my history and why racial issues matter much to me and how.

I think matters of race and discrimination can never be fully understood under an umbrella epiphany. It's virtually impossible for everyone to understand where everyone comes from, so least we can work towards is tolerance and an acceptance of dialogue. Whenever i travel to the south the emotions i have about my race and how i relate to racism and bigotry seem to float to the top. By no means are my negative experiences limited to the south... they go all the way back to a child in southern California. But i didn't KNOW what it felt like to truly feel as if you are completely subhuman until i came out and a little incident in Louisiana in which i arrested for the first time in my life, in a wal-mart parking lot looking for a lost car. The deafening and humiliating blow of the Louisiana experience was so sobering as to what reality is vs the way it SHOULD be, that I can now say from now until I die.. I can split my life into two Categories Pre-Louisiana and Post. From that experience, My head slammed on the back of a police car- while 15 to 20 people watched as i was branded as a criminal for an hour that seemed to last a fucking day, I learned that no matter who you think you are, you will always be something or someone else to someone else. For we exist in the fun-house mirrored halls of perception- and there are a lot people who will view me and have viewed me for nothing else than being a black man through the distortion of their beholder lens. So of course I'm going to write about it, I'm going to share my opinions on it. To those who say, let it rest- get over it. I can already guess the color of your skin-and the color of your skin allows you that option. And that is a blessing.

For those who can not- then I speak to you about you. I speak about US. The feelings that i often feel of NOT having a legitimate claim to breath. NO legitimate claim to walk at night without being feared or a cop thinking i am up to no good. I come from a kind that is worthless but because i am "attractive" or "particularly smart" i beat the rest of 'em out, by an inch. The feeling that I am a house Negro that panders to the majority for acceptance and asylum from the menace of the minority. The feeling that i have third and fourth rate rights period. When i am in a store i must pay attention to my hands and instantly check my bag even if there is no sign requiring you to do so. I must pay attention to what i am wearing on the streets and that I should make sure i talk clean and in neat sentences. The feeling that i must exert in a manner overt that I am educated and smart and i will not rob you. I am not a violent crackhead. I don't chase after white men. But i don't fraternize with only blacks because they have no social hold.

I am not a monster. But i feel as if i am one.


So I will not stop writing about these issues or how i personally feel, even if it is displeasing to someone who crosses this blog. I am not asking for sympathy either. No "oh poor black guy"..."poor angry black guy".. I am not angry.. maybe a tad bit worn but i am increasingly motivated to take apart these issues that still haunt us.. even if it appears as if they've gone away.. they haven't. They've shifted and mutated much like every social issue existing now and today. They haven't fully healed because a great portion of people think that it's been solved, it's like still-water pushed under the bed frame... mildew becomes airborne, bed we lie in infested and toxic.

My mother read the Mandingo entry. On a lighter note, she wagged her finger at me for using the word Cracker. "I'm surprised at you.. you have white friends.. apologize!" My defense of, This is the format i write in and the context that used that word is explained in the passages and tone of the essay, was lost on deaf ears. "I raised you to be racially sensitive. "

So with that!!

I'm sorry for using the word cracker and to those who i offended. I apologize profusely.

I should have used Honky.

Ask Jack #1"Greeeen Girls"

Dear Jack,

I met my current boyfriend through a mutual friend about a year ago. We really connected instantly and a couple months later we started a romantic relationship and have been together happily ever since. In the early part of our relationship, we kept it under wraps just to be private, but as soon as "this" friend found out she literally stopped calling, or emailing me. She has a boyfriend & is practically engaged, and I am just not sure why she is mad. My boyfriend was the one to tell her about a month and half ago and apparently they're still friends. So my question is "why is she being such a bitch, & should I bother with the friendship?" We are bound to run into each other, at a party or something...

Sincerely,

Why do hetro, female friendships Suck?!!!

_______________________________


Dear 'Why do hetro, female friendships Suck?!!!',

If She has not informed you of why she might not approve of relationship between you and your boyfriend, then it doesn't and shouldn't matter to you. Our healthiest friendships and relationships stay that way I believe because we trust in them enough to speak honestly on how we feel about them and any conflicts that should arise. So firstly, Whatever her problems are with the relationship, If she is not a "friend" and woman enough to confront you with her issue, then It's not worth your attention or your boyfriend's attention. She is the one with issue, not you.

However, with all that said, there does seem to be some hidden history going on.. something lurking beneath obviously, between her and your boyfriend. It could be that she had a thing for him a long time ago or she might not think you are suitable for him. I am curious as to why you guys were private for a while and whose idea that was. It could also be strong possibility that she feels a bit betrayed because you two kept it secret for a little while. Whatever the case the more you stress about it the more it becomes an issue. So.. no, I would not care what she thought or further dig into why she is giving you the silent treatment any further than asking her once, Is there any issue you have between you and I? Do not ask her if she has any issue with you and your boyfriend. In the long run all three of you are adults and you have the hand to play this as neutral as possible. You snagged him and she has a man anyways. Whatever combination of issues she might have... You have the guy. When you run into her at parties and events, say Hi and smile and keep moving forward. Chances are highly likely her relationship isn't all that tight if she does have any time to waste thinking about yours. The reality is that you are happy with your man. Do not allow her issues to spill over into your relationship. It most likely that is what she wants. Mentally erect a wall, and hopefully time will wear her down. I personally would no longer ponder why she is acting the way she is. Allow her to act this out in isolation.



Hopefully that helped you, Babe. All the Best wishes.

Sincerely,

JK

Ask JACK!

In a bid to expand my blog and my range of topics (I'm Brilliant but not endlessly Brilliant *sly grin*) I want to reach out to you. Got a relationship problem or a particular view on topic that you would like to get my spin on? - swing it over at my direction. Ask me Anything, and all submission will be handled anonymously "Dear Abby" Style. Send question via my web site; http://maddjackkash.com/#/its-jack/4539296143 and fill out submission form or e-mail me dirrectly at MaddJackkash@gmail.com. In your subject please "headline" your question. Or just ask here!! Question text will be reprinted, so keep that in mind.

Look forward to hearing from YOU!

All the best regard to you on your side of stage

-Jack Kash

Elephant: A response from a reader on the Mandingo entry

It's late: I finished a movie and logged in to check my messages in short order and head to bed.. i have to be up in 5 hours. I'm an insomniac. Why? Because i think to damn much.

When I was a teenager I bought this book called Forbidden Knowledge. It was too lofty for me to understand at the time, but i liked the cover and the idea that there are philosophical properties that MUST and SHOULD remain in the dark, unknown, unspoken. Truths that should be told as lies to hide their crushing weight if pondered. There are ideas that are dangerous, like no god and morality as falsehood. There's no heaven or hell and true evil, no real good. The man who shot up a day care of children is just that, a man who shot up a day care of children and he will never pay for his sins, because he had not commited any. Yeah. I know. Deep shit! huh?


Well.. i attempted to end my night on the most shallow note possible. Celebrity Fit Club. But No.. I had to check my e-mail and receive the following response to the Mandingo Envy entry. It follows:


"I just read your blog. The standard for beauty is white and you're considered attractive (along with Halle Berry) because you have white features."

The lad was 19, Caucasian and from Canada. I think it might figure into his thinking or the fact he even said that... well moreso TYPED that to me. His logic was simple and direct. And brutal. Did he even know the impact of what he was saying. He reminded me of an old teenage boyfriend who lasted all of a two weeks back when i was 19. I called him bubble boy because we met at a night club and he was wearing a suit made of bubble wrap. He was gorgeous and had absolutely no censor. One day, in my bed room he said seemingly out of the blue " You might have a better body than me, but I will always be more attractive than you because I am more sociably acceptable."

It was one of those things, again, you don't say, but you think. Why do you not say? Because it infers error on a party. Which party that is? It's up for debate but a basic human instinct is that defense. Some things are better left unsaid because saying them will only result defensive behavior and denial. I'd even venture to say, we just might be hardwired to ignore the truth to be able to survive. Depending on what those truths are? But what the fuck is TRUTH to begin with.

When we speak of truth we speak of the idea that there is indeed an objective reality that is solid and un-bendable by perception. There is how i see it from where i stand...and how you see it from where you stand and then there's the way it actually exist. The idea of truth is quite godly. It's finite as well. It's the way it is. Not the way it can be or should be. It's just the way it is.

Now when that old boyfriend said that he will always be more attractive than I, it hit a nerve. I felt sad and insulted. But he had a fucking point...that sat somewhere in the middle. A point so clean, it could be argued it is the way it is.

The same for the 19 year old canadian. No matter what his intent was when he wrote what he thought. Whether he is a bigot or just very honest about cultural divides and binds, it didn't matter. The only hurts to those who deny it...and He was so fucking right. Put perfectly into the context of just how many times in my 27 years of life, have i been asked if i am just "black" and met with a tone of disbelief ..and/or disappointment when i say.. well.. i'm ...."Just Black" *frame Hands* A former boss of mine from Italy drunkenly said " You are not BLAAAAACK... Your nose isn't WIDE and BIG!!" So based on that comment would mean my that my "Attractivity" is based on what degree do i physically resemble white *dominant culture* beauty. Certainly if i had a bigger nose and were a few degrees darker i would be less attractive? Something ARE better left unsaid?

But this is supported by tons of cultural evidence that exists within the black community (Darker skin vs lighter skin; Slavery; Good hair vs bad hair) and in other minority circles- the caste systems of Mexico and latin america .... It goes on. Everyone likes Beyonce a little bit more than Kelly Rowland. Why because Beyonce fits the standard of beauty more so than a darker wider nosed black woman. So we KNOW this. But who says THIS? It's implications are bleak at best. They suggest that even after many decades of struggles we are still at ground one. Would Obama be president if he more closely resembled an african descendent?

Things Californians Love

Californians Love themselves some Weed. Our Weed is at the top of the list of "Things Californians Love", right above IN & OUT, Avocados, "Organic Foods", Lawyers, Our Doctors, Pornography and our undocumented Mexican gardener and cleaning lady.

Add to it.

Mandingo Envy/ Why am i not some crackers token black boyfriend?

I guess this is a dual entry with two intersecting themes.

Ah Where WOULD i begin? Hmmmm. How about Thursday night at the gym, my 8th consecutive night. I am on a treadmill alone in my apartment's private gym. I actually loathe public gym but i've got a 40 dollar a month membership to 24 HOURS GYM that i am barely using and the guilt is somewhat gnawing at my sides. I'm anxious. However i am more anxious at getting at this little piece of flab perched over my dick, like a falcon's crest overlooking the bushy terrain of my crotch...and i want my abs back to their solid washboard glory. I'm heavily intent on this. This is foremost in my mind as I'm running feverishly at 7.8 miles per hour going on 35 minutes with little rest bits between. I've been fairly consistent this evening at keeping up with this speed. Sweat has been forming at my crunched brow and my white towel i brought with me is dampening more with the succession of each minute as I reach for it and swipe the top my forehead and rest it down again on top of treadmill's red LCD screen. I lay it strategically to hide the calories and time amount of time I've been running so magically time can speed up, i don't worry myself with the count and hopefully i do more than I set out for myself.

I'm alone in the gym. Just me and my thoughts and a thought floated to surface that almost made me stop the mill and just stand to linger in it a little longer instead of squelching it. That thought was simply: "Why am i doing this?" and instantly i answered my own question with a somewhat ugly response:

"Because if I'm not handsome enough.. I'm single and edging towards 30. No longer a young adult.. the body isn't what it used to be. And face it. You're black. No one will want you."

I've known for the longest time that standard for beauty amongst black men- hell minorities period, is raised a hell of a lot higher than that of white guys. To be perfectly honest white men can develop a beer belly along with a receding hairline, but as long as they got a job and hold onto their entitlement snug enough, they're datable.. someone will fuck them and not just any snaggled toothed fag. Average looking white men to minorities are gold...especially if you are an Asian bottom or young black top with a BBC. As long as you fuck them, you've got your CARD. And by CARD, yes i mean your White Card, like Visa, excepted everywhere you wanna be.

Depending on where you stand on the stage of the world, this can be arguable. But not for me. Ever since coming out I've been told "I'm attractive for a black guy". I've also been lauded for being well spoken, creative, personable, interesting..... FOR a black guy. There's always that wedge which separates me from my race and somehow implies I'm cut from the better edges of a worn and undesirable cloth. And it echoes always in my psyche. I've dealt with it since a teenager and the younger 20 year old Jack. I have reconciled with that idea through the ages..grown with it. I do not resent the idea that i am in someway partially inferior as much as i used to. I'm not puzzled. Nowadays I'm amused by it. So amused I can write about in this color, I'm writing to you right now. In this tone. Blue. Yellow. Green.

Which brings me to the gym and back to why i hadn't been to 24-HOURS in a week. It was last week i went in and I was reminded of my goal when in the locker room. An at least 6 foot tall Black man, who i will call Mandingo, came strolling in with bulging biceps, a nice grid underneath his tight white t-shirt and these huge thighs. He was hot as hell. I swallowed my homemade protein shake and thought.. god i gotta get up to his level. I eyed Mandingo throughout my time at the gym, watching him perform reps and cautiously aping them. I wanted to be Mandingo. Mandingo has power. It's in his crotch and ability to make white men nervous in a world where they otherwise don't give a fuck. I loathed this sinking feeling of inferiority to Mandingo along with the envy mutating my clear thought processes into heavy white static. At times I compare myself to other black men. And i will tell you why.

In the GAY LAND, a land in which i reluctantly live ... Black men are a niche. It is common to read online personals that specify White or Latin... which always made me chuckle. It's as if ordering food on a menu. It almost directly comes across to me like White is the first choice.. but if you are out of that in the kitchen, eh.. I guess I'll take the closest thing to white.. Latin.Dark meat. Keeping with a metaphor of the gay restaurant, you will have your white diners who want the most exotic thing on the menu and will order it.. and order it again.... and again... Whether it's "Deep latin" or "Afro-can A-mer-i-can". I use to and still am a bit apprehensive of those (white) men who order up the same thing most if not all of the time. After being told that I was sub par while growing up out of the closet in southern California, the Inland Empire, where all the queens are jaded because of the smog, the high speed chases and the overall David Lynchian vibe of that valley you'll cross on your way from Los Angeles on 10 heading into the dry desert, I suddenly at some point became a big hit. It was around 22, and when i started visiting San Francisco for weeks at a time and then moved there and somehow got a job in a night club and at a little boutique in the Castro. Men were after me left and right. But these men were unlike the gays I knew in southern California. They LIKED black. They LIKED them A lot. My best friend in San Francisco, almost a motherly fag to me,had fucked or at least flirted with every black man in the Castro... and that's not a lot. He is the Black Rolodex... his knowledge of any black gay male- eligible or non-eligible extended from San Francisco to east bay to Sacramento. The Boy was pulling them,. And I enjoyed the attention for awhile, until i started noticing some of the guys i was dating seemed to have nearly a fetish for black men. This was new for me.. because i grew up in Southern California, in the Inland where I was treated horribly by the queers there. I lotion twice daily because when i was 18 some bitch, Mexican at that, told me he didn't Doooooo Black men... "one word: ash". I HATED the Inland Empire.

So with that background, i was elated to have a dating pool but soon I grew a bit disenchanted with the idea that i was possibly expendable to the "black hunters"- They like black men...because they are soulful, their skin is rich, their bodies muscular, their voices deep, their cocks the size New York City rodents. I began to feel expendable IF the guy i was dating might run into someone BIGGER, BETTER and BLACKER than I. What's a verbose neurotic audiophile like myself to do?


Easy. GET BIGGER< BETTER AND BLACKER?

But what the fuck is bigger, better and blacker? My mind rife with these muddled emotions, apprehensions, half formed ideas and hunches that lead to rocky unstable roads i wasn't sure i wanted to travel. On one hand I believe in telling it and accepting it like it is. It's better to have someone interested in you for you than someone who doesn't want you for you. Those are the types that would say to me "Well I usually don't find black men attractive but You are HOT!!", to which i couldn't reply, only run. But then there's this really cheep feeling when you look around you and nearly all the black men in SF have white boyfriends. It seems as if that is my destiny; To be some crackers Trophy Black Husband.

"Oh here goes my Black man! I'm not like the other whites.. i DATE BLACK MEN.... (and I'm a bottom)*cough*"

So Here i am at the gym kind of laughing at myself, all sweaty, with the basic premise for the entry in my head- but seriously i start to wonder IF that is the ONLY end result. If that is the only option, just settle down with some chocoholic..what do they call them these days? I can just bulk on up, so I'm Mandingo enough to snag myself a decent looking white man who works for the ACLU, maybe land a Jew, who knows, and poof!! my happy ending. It feels like that is ALL there is.. and it's instinct for me to rage against any machine. I could go Afrocentric and find me a black man for the sake of it.. but i would be no different than the machine I'm trying to fight. It's like death... there is a undeniable sense of inevitability, especially when every time i look around i see the hottest black man is with a white guy who most likely voted for Obama and or a Nader-fag who listens to too much NPR.I can Wind up with some guy who is ashamed he's white and is repenting for his ancestors sins and his equally pale family members back home in Idaho by fucking the nearest biggest, blackest mothefucker his ass can find thats wants his ass and adopting a skittles bag of children from third world countries and making sure they bring along their culture club to EVERY SINGLE RED NECK FAMILY REUNION. Or If said white guy is from east coast money... the Summer House.

Nah. I've never been the type to bend to what was expected of me. I always opted for the opposite just to prove i was nobody's slave and nobody's fool and certainly nobody's nobody. There is a culture, a byproduct of what i'm describing, of black men who have felt the racism and intentionally date white men. They feel if they can bag a white man they are of importance. They're "Nota Nigga". I felt this a lot last year as i went through a dating marry-go-round, four guys in one month. Each fellow seemingly flaunting me as their HOT YOUNG BLACK BOYFRIEND..and for a few seconds i bought into it.. i enjoyed it even up until the novelty of it wore out and i felt, again, i was doing what was expected of me. So i had to give my card up. And sure enough there was another black guy waiting in the wings to take my place and they didn't question defiantly like i did. They had their card and were damn glad i gave it up for whatever reason. To the white guy that i left and his fresh new black catch I was the nigger. I was the ignorant one, silly enough to pass on that available White Card and all of it's perks and privileges.

Shortly after i got off the Merry-go-round nauseous and disorientated I left San Francisco with other shit on my mind.. family.. finding a sense of self OUTSIDE from what i felt was a pre-programmed fate for me as a creative black gay male. Too many drugs were around me... too much partying and I was looking at 27 and not feeling whole. And i certainly believe that two halves can make a whole- a codependent whole, and that was never me. comfortableness in me breeds anxiety. like the anxiety i feel today... I've rediscovered who Jack is and what makes Jack tick... what makes Jack happy. What Jack's passion is.

So In the spirit of my rebelliousness, I caught myself at the gym after that nasty response to my my bothersome question: "Why am i doing this?". I can't live my life sanely standing next to other black men in the troughs sizing up who's dick is bigger and whether that dictates my worth as a black man. Or A man period. No one should compare themselves to anyone. It's exhausting and defeats the purpose of your singularity, your unique fingerprint you leave on this world. My worth is not my penis, or any stereotype that radiates from MTV/Viacom culture. I am Jack and these are my truths. If i deny reality then i become a lie. The same can be said for you.

Things I do not Understand.

The rise and fame of the Kardashian women

Decaffeinated Coffee

pro-life Gay men

Decimating your own minority community with drugs and the promotion of unhealthy sex lives

Just The existence of Ann Coulter


and

The biggest counter-cultural riddle for me? What keeps me up at night in a cold damp painful sweat? What threatens to twist my brain into knots until it implodes into greyish gooooo?

THIS:

(warning extremely NSFW/NSFE and Not for the faint of heart)


Click Enter and then Video

http://www.boyhous.com/

I've never fully had an explaination as WHY this would be appealing to ANYONE!!