Straight Talk

I just spent the last 2 hours playing straight for the first time in LONG time.. i think EVER, actually with this dude at the gym who sparked up a conversation with me which lead to us training together. It was bizarre.. i don't know why i felt compelled to.. but i did.. I turned up the "bro" talk and somehow managed to keep a conversation about antique cars and Gangs and Prison and "weed" because straights are obsessed with weed. Then he asked for my number to hang out at some straight bar.. and i was like "Yeah.. I'm down brah!"

I hang my head in shame at my shamelessness. It's actually easy to relate to straight people. Sure, I am one of those gays who upon coming out went to seek solace in my community... only later to find out there was none there and the community is gas, one that exist only in print and is broken up into these potentially combustible microcosms. The Drag Queens, The A Gays, The art fag, The Holister A&F crews.... then those seperate within into more sub-cultures. The beat goes on.

When talking with a straight person, it's easy to first approach them with a firm handshake. This shows you are strong.. then say Brah. Especially if you are black. White boys gay or straight will almost always greet me with a "Bro" or "Brah" or "What up Son." .... words that are not naturally in my dialect. I do often use "man". Straight like this. It appeals to my "downess". You gotta have the downness to hang with the straight male.

Throughout those two hours we worked out together, unplanned.. He was a Latin guy and I, of course black. I kept asking myself silently, why am I instantly hiding the fact I am a mo. And I thought..well Being a mo isn't all i am. I can have a conversation with him and be neutral. I kept asking myself; "Just how much does it really matter that i am gay?" but as we progressed in our interaction, topics like women and violence..and getting jumped, and Weed, yes they love WEED, came up. And car shows and Nascar. And I became determined to have myself engage in this line conversation as some kind of test. But the test led to lies. I was nodding like i knew what he was talking about. The initial thoughts of separation between he and I deminished. I was having fun. It felt out of body almost. Then I mentioned attending a Nascar event "once" and he was filled with glee. He went on for a half an hour about cars and I would reply with hues of deceit. I have never been to a Nascar event in my life. However I could relate to him when he started to talk about restoring cars. That was "gay" enough for me... art. This is topic i can dig.

Before long we started talking about nite life, and he asked me which clubs i went to and I felt compelled to flat out lie. I was like, what do I do? I've gained this guys respect and trust, what if i name a joint that he identifies as a gay joint, then i am out? What do I do then? I decided then I would Lie MORE... and say "Oh i haven't been out much since I've been in Texas MAN... I went to one club, i forget the name." He says "was it Chrome?" and I cringed beneath my next breath and nodded and said "I think so! Bro".

I officially painted myself in the closet with this guy, and It came with a bit of exhilaration. I was thinking "How am I doing? Am i coning him? Lets play it up a tad bit more." I was IN. And it became a bit of a dare to myself. I've finally stepped into the shoes of some of the "poor closeted homos" whom i have somewhat look upon with mixture of pity, contempt, apathy and little bit of empathy and distrust and disappointment. Being in Texas, I am exposed to more closeted gay men and women than ever. I consider myself an understanding man. I try my damnedest to understand every subset i can.. even the majority. Most white people don't care to know my experience and how i interact to my environment, How I feel about it and why I might feel the way i do. But for two hours I unwittingly became a man in the closet. I wondered what would this guy say if i told him i don't date women and prefer to date men? Would he be my friend? Thoughts I haven't thought since I was fucking 16!! I've been out since then and Never have i given a damn about how someone might feel about me being who i am. Simply I would not gravitate towards conversation or relationships with people who could possibly be homophobic. And I THINK i come off clearly as a gay male. Ooooooo what if he thought i was just a metro-sexual? eh. No, i've been dressing like shit these days.