We don't live here anymore.

I must come out of the closet on something, i'm sure some people in my life have picked up. A secret i will now share. A secret that has terrorized me for many many years and shapes who i am and how interact with this world. It shapes how i feel in the world.

I am diagnosed with and treated for Social Anxiety Disorder. I have been since i was 17. I avoid people and places teaming with human life. Unpredictable... human life. And I had gotten pretty good at shuffling below my feet, covering it with a few feet of debris and I flourished for awhile, i felt normal for awhile- maybe even "cured" up until Christmas eve 2007 in Louisiana where while my neurotic self was looking for my cousins car and her in it, I was tackled by a team of officers, hand cuffed and thrown on the back of a police car while a crowd grew to see "what i had done".. i was barked at by tall white police officer who for the first time in my life called me "boy"- the southern definition- in which you know it when you hear it. It CUTS! He told me i would spend the entire christmas weekend in jail. and for what?


I had been "followed" by an undercover police officer, and I was trying door knobs. Which wasn't true. I was suspected of looking to steal a car or objects in it. Within the first 10 minutes i was quite cool headed. I told the yelling officer , his finger half an inch away from poking my forehead, that if they would immediately go and look at the wal-mart security camera footage I would be cleared(I used to work for this wal-mart and I know that all Wall-marts have extensive parking lot cameras due to the frequency in which crime occurs in them.) He responded with a bark back "I look at the footage YOU GO TO JAIL!" And as a Reasonable man, i took that it was Christmas eve in to account.I remained calm.. but... my package began to unravel with the unfolding of each minute. Then He put me in the squad car. It turmed from i was being suspected to I was committing criminal mischief. For walking..around.. LOOKING ..as if i were trying to steal a car or objects inside. It was further made crazy because I had only my wallet on me. I had no broken skin and no cars were reported broken into. The mere suggestion followed me..and even after that day I could not go into the Wall-Mart without someone working there looking at me crossly and with a hint of disgust. To them i HAD broken into a car. A worker even called my mother in Texas and told her that I had broken into a few cars, and resisted arrest! All of which did not occur. I had become a criminal without any crime being committed by me.

If there was one thing that would be the most awful thing i can imagine happening to someone with social anxiety disorder, other than being abducted by a serial killer and raped in a public space while two hundred people gawk after being scalped, it would be THIS. My sense of trust in the police as my protector was shattered that day. And later on re-shattered after i told my story to my black or latin peers and family members and got scoffed at with a "welcome to the club!"- "What you bitching for, this happens all the time!" followed by an equally or more harrowing story than mine. I was told that i was indeed...... PROFILED. So i best leave my pity party of one and join the hundreds of thousands if not millions who are targeted by police with the only probable cause being the color of ones skin, EVERYDAY.


When I was younger, a teen falling in love with music, i would not eat lunch for days until i had enough money saved to go to The Warehouse, a now defunct chain of music superstores, that was on the walk home from my high school. My mom would tell me not to go, or come home and put my book bag away before entering the store.I asked her why and she warned "I could be suspected of stealing- young black men get locked up everyday." and I hated her for this because I knew that i was law abiding i wouldn't steal. But I was also a teenager and she felt i should not put myself in a position as to where i would be accused. Truth be told, If you are reading this and a white person, minorities, especially African Americans and Latin Americans- especially Mexican folk sit around with each other and do talk shit at times about the police. They instruct their young on how to stay and look clean. "don't get involved with the wrong crowd!" and elders have many stories of how the world was in the 40's and 50's. I used to think my mom was superimposing her fears for me directly onto me up until the incident in Covington, Louisiana. Nope Nope, not anymore.

Afterwards i was angry for a good a year. My fear of being in public and teased turned to fears of being in public and tasered.(I was taking the BART a lot when the BART officer on New Years 2008 killed a handcuffed citizen) Perhaps I might forget to act a certain way-prehaps i'm wearing something that might make me look like a big hooligan. I paid attention to my dress. No more baseball caps. My aunt for christmas bought me a dreadful black polyester bomber jacket that was loose fitting and I refused to wear it because.. "Oh oh! I might look as if i have a gun in my pocket!" I do not wear jackets unless i really have to nowadays. I don't wear black or anything adidas like except for my gym clothes..and I make sure people know that i am going to the gym. When I approach my apartment, my keys are out. The incident had completely turned into this person living and breathing paranoia. I live in paranoia because I learned i do not have control over what others think and I can be a good guy- Never arrested before in my life- and still I can become a criminal.


Life is not the same for me. I am not living. Like I can't remember when i last smelled roses and plants and digested my reality slowly. No fear. Just peacefully existing . I remember the days in which i felt as if i couldn't walk slowly, and enjoy the air.. or stop to look at a plant. Or sit on the grass alone in a park and just rest. Those days long gone for fear I might be loitering. Fear I might look as if i am staking out a house for robbery, depending on the time of day or night. I can't rest. I can't walk slowly and let my guards down and just enjoy life like white people can. I can't enjoy the world. I can't walk on a sidewalk and pass by a white woman with dog and feel as if there might be a chance she might become unnerved by my presence and clutch her purse tighter or walk the other way. So if it's not for work. I do not leave home much. Especially in Texas. and half of this would be my condition and the other half the truth that it's not just me. It's a lot of Americans who don't feel entitled to be here. They are tourist. And it's despicable and sad.

Through therapy, a lot of reflection and medications I work through my "fear of people". Getting over that hump takes work...possibly more than some people who have been harassed by policemen , maybe not. In some of my conversations with people who have had unjust run ins with the law, it still leaves a stain that can't released with a couple of consecutive wash cycles and a cap full of bleach.

Two weeks ago the News that Arizona passed a Bill that required policemen to ask people whom they think are illegal viciously bit a nerve deep inside of me. Sb 1070 gives police officers the right to judge you and hassle you for proof you exist here. It would be one thing if this law required everyone to be monitored and asked to show their papers but it does not. I fully understand that Arizona has the worse border problems in the US because it's popular point. Many illegals DIE while trying to cross the border and get to civilization while avoiding being caught and deported. The Problems that Arizona is forced to endure matter, greatly so. But there is a need for a better solution. This solution that's on the table promises nothing but the treat of violence and upheaval and the abuse of legal residents who are Mexican Americans who will be told by the action of this law that they don't belong here. If you're Mexican American and already feel like a stranger in your own land, then you must prepare yourself to feel that again..and again. Every step you take and at any moment between foot fall and foot rise you could be asked..."Do you belong here?" and the chances of corruption by a police officer under this law is greatly promoted through the language of it.

So for two weeks This has been THE topic of discussion and outrage among those who see it as a step towards the back and not the front. I said i would write a proper entry, but i had to find a fresh approach to this. It seems that people do not understand the politics of this... so How about the human mechanics of this law and it's glaring faults. Here I use myself and my struggle as a doorway or bridge rather to understanding the emotional impact of racial profiling. And Hopefully it resonated with someone who might not ever experience the feeling of not belonging.. or someone who has but can't equate it to what many minorities in America feel when targeted by the police. It breeds pretty much, FEAR and LOATHING.

Just pondering: Is there such a thing as being TOO honest?

Just brief note:

I was thinking a bit earlier today while walking to the vitamin store, how would it read if you were on date with someone you really were enchanted by and they had a moment lucidity. They put down their drink and directly locks your eyes with their eyes and tell you in a "Matter-of-Fact" tone:


"I am not datable. I am slow to trust, and I will not trust you for some time but by the time i trust you completely and make the decision to allow you into my life, you will have become frustrated and insecure. You will think I don't care for you which will be partially true. It happens all the time..and I like you far too much to... "lead you on". I am only half way physically attracted to you. Because you are sweet and have a personality that shines i am more attracted to you. This allows me feel a tad bit obligated to sleep with you tonight if you pay the check so because i fear not being in control i will pay for my own meal and drinks- because i can not trust that you do not have ulterior motives in paying for this date.I don't want to feel further obligated to sleep with you. If any of what i said offends you or shoots up red flags I will not be offended if you left your half of the bill in cash while i go to bathroom and ditch me. I would actually prefer it because I dislike pressure and feeling as if i have responsibility, which is why i am single at the moment. There is pressure now to act as if i like you sexually. But i do like you intellectually. If you leave on your own, i get a way out of this uncomfortableness i feel because i do like you and I know that i am completely unsuitable for a decent guy like you."

If someone were THAT honest on a first date..would you appreciate their honesty? No one is THAT honest, but in a perfect world would you want to know all the faults and neurosis up front, baggage tagged and labeled with a nice thick black sharpie pen in BOLD??


Or is there a reason for the sometimes "fake", soft first moments you encounter with someone you like, in which you are supposed to politely hold all of your demons in the closet and slowly but surely usher them out one by one.

Anesthesia Begins to sound like Anesthesia! New episodes

When i embarked on putting together a podcast, I had an idea of what type of cast I would personally listen to, and that I wanted something dreamy, cerebral, vast and intelligent. I had no idea how much work it would take to reach the kind of sound and production i wanted with Anesthesia. I wanted Anesthesia not to just SOUND like a sonic escape.. i wanted it to BE a sonic escape. Literally, take you out your comfort zone and toss somewhere OUT THERE, i don't know where, but anywhere but here.

After 2 month of trial and error and learning new tricks... "A walk in the Dark" accomplishes what i set out to do for the first time ever. Episode 6 is when Anesthesia is actually becomes it's own beast. Now whether anyone else thinks highly of it's content ... that's a question yet to be answered.

I wish i knew how many were actually listening to this Cast. That question actually has kept me from airing the second cast- Hipster Please, which is more "user friendly" and it's format is traditional talky-radio program.


You can check out this weeks edition of ANESTHESIA at Maddjackkash.com, by either streaming or an easy direct download.

http://maddjackkash.com/#/anesthesia/4539439242

Ask Jack#2 "The honeymoon is over"

Anonymous said...

i have a general question that boggles my mind: is there such thing as a honeymoon phase? if so, when does its usually occur and how long does its last? would this occur during the lust phase of a relationship . . . . . . .

thanks,
"When the honeymoon is over"

_______________________

Dear "When the honeymoon is over",

Yes, there is a Honeymoon period. For me the "Honeymoon Period" is actually a thick section of the act of "Courtship". It's when you are experiencing the fresh scent of newness and the feel of a new skin on yours that you and the object of your affection tend to emotionally put on your 'Sunday Best'. It's instinctual to want your boyfriend or girlfriend to see you in the best light, so the journey through the first bloom of romance is going to be heightened. Most people consciously avoid arguments, downplay insecurities and phobias. All faults are left on the back burner because you are looking at this new joint venture through these spectacular rose tinted glasses and you're willing to be somewhat blinded by the light. Face it, who really wants to think the worst of a possible new mate, perhaps someone you could marry? We all want the grand love story and most people go into dating, especially with someone who presents themselves early on as a possible serious partner- and "great love", willingly in a nice thick purple haze, a Haze so thick faults aren't readily noticed, and if you do find fault with the guy, but really really like him, you'll make up some reason to grant him an exception. This is what MOST people do.. but certainly not all.

The honeymoon ends when you have your first argument that doesn't magically end with tight and clean resolve. The honeymoon is over when the purple haze clears and your faults emerge with his, like sunken ships of past wreckage floating to the surface of an ocean rather than a lake and the reality that you're actually dealing with another human instead of a romance novel character becomes HD clear. The honeymoon is over, and now you are left with questions that need answers like: "Can i live with the fact that he's really narcissistic, I thought the fact he talked about himself a lot was just because we were getting to know each other, and when he talked about himself in third person, i thought was cute. But Now it's annoying. And i'm realizing that our outings all center on his schedule and not mine." When you start to think thoughts like THIS, the honeymoon is over and reality has slapped you in the face like a slab of raw cold dead beef fresh from the butcher. There will be blood.

ALL of this is WORST case scenario. Most faults aren't so glaring. We are human. Most faults are actually workable. Faults like schedule, money, slight differences in poltical and personal opinions. The honeymoon period obscures these because they don't matter to you so much as just basking in the glow of partner who fits the bill, turns you on and interest you enough that you invest time in them. You'll know the honeymoon is over when you begin the task, seemingly automatically, of auditing what you've spent emotionally and even intellectually on this relationship.

I must add though I think that there is really no way to avoid the honeymoon period and it's inevitable end. I think it's the healthiest, most natural route..maybe the only route. I mean, think about it. How many people enter a dating situation with all the baggage on the table- tagged and labeled. Would you date the guy who said this to you on the first date?:

"I was sexually abused when i was a child, so i am hyper sexual.. and enjoy sex.. and in 3 weeks i will shut down sexually towards you and start to pursue other purely sexual relationships with other women while still dating you.. i will lie to you but not directly, i will lie indirectly by leaving out details, so when you find out i have "lied" i will bank on your lingering doubts to excuse such behavior from me.. i will get a little distant but by then you will have been exposed you to my sweetness and you will sympathize with me and allow me to treat you like shit because i will appeal to your god complex. I also have an inferiority complex and I will by week 5 become overly defensive in general, light disagreements. When we go out with your friends i will get jealous and will cause an argument to bring your attention back to me so that I feel special again. Your friends will start to not want to hang around us, and i will use this make you feel as if i am being unfairly judged by them. This will bring you closer to me, and by the end of the year we will be one big co-dependent mess."



Best regards,

Jack Kash

laid to unrest

Before i put the Mandingo Entry and it's multifaceted structure to rest, and avoid the topic of race for a few months or until something unavoidable renders itself onto cultural or personal fabric that I MUST comment, I want to close with these words and a few short stories into my history and why racial issues matter much to me and how.

I think matters of race and discrimination can never be fully understood under an umbrella epiphany. It's virtually impossible for everyone to understand where everyone comes from, so least we can work towards is tolerance and an acceptance of dialogue. Whenever i travel to the south the emotions i have about my race and how i relate to racism and bigotry seem to float to the top. By no means are my negative experiences limited to the south... they go all the way back to a child in southern California. But i didn't KNOW what it felt like to truly feel as if you are completely subhuman until i came out and a little incident in Louisiana in which i arrested for the first time in my life, in a wal-mart parking lot looking for a lost car. The deafening and humiliating blow of the Louisiana experience was so sobering as to what reality is vs the way it SHOULD be, that I can now say from now until I die.. I can split my life into two Categories Pre-Louisiana and Post. From that experience, My head slammed on the back of a police car- while 15 to 20 people watched as i was branded as a criminal for an hour that seemed to last a fucking day, I learned that no matter who you think you are, you will always be something or someone else to someone else. For we exist in the fun-house mirrored halls of perception- and there are a lot people who will view me and have viewed me for nothing else than being a black man through the distortion of their beholder lens. So of course I'm going to write about it, I'm going to share my opinions on it. To those who say, let it rest- get over it. I can already guess the color of your skin-and the color of your skin allows you that option. And that is a blessing.

For those who can not- then I speak to you about you. I speak about US. The feelings that i often feel of NOT having a legitimate claim to breath. NO legitimate claim to walk at night without being feared or a cop thinking i am up to no good. I come from a kind that is worthless but because i am "attractive" or "particularly smart" i beat the rest of 'em out, by an inch. The feeling that I am a house Negro that panders to the majority for acceptance and asylum from the menace of the minority. The feeling that i have third and fourth rate rights period. When i am in a store i must pay attention to my hands and instantly check my bag even if there is no sign requiring you to do so. I must pay attention to what i am wearing on the streets and that I should make sure i talk clean and in neat sentences. The feeling that i must exert in a manner overt that I am educated and smart and i will not rob you. I am not a violent crackhead. I don't chase after white men. But i don't fraternize with only blacks because they have no social hold.

I am not a monster. But i feel as if i am one.


So I will not stop writing about these issues or how i personally feel, even if it is displeasing to someone who crosses this blog. I am not asking for sympathy either. No "oh poor black guy"..."poor angry black guy".. I am not angry.. maybe a tad bit worn but i am increasingly motivated to take apart these issues that still haunt us.. even if it appears as if they've gone away.. they haven't. They've shifted and mutated much like every social issue existing now and today. They haven't fully healed because a great portion of people think that it's been solved, it's like still-water pushed under the bed frame... mildew becomes airborne, bed we lie in infested and toxic.

My mother read the Mandingo entry. On a lighter note, she wagged her finger at me for using the word Cracker. "I'm surprised at you.. you have white friends.. apologize!" My defense of, This is the format i write in and the context that used that word is explained in the passages and tone of the essay, was lost on deaf ears. "I raised you to be racially sensitive. "

So with that!!

I'm sorry for using the word cracker and to those who i offended. I apologize profusely.

I should have used Honky.

Ask Jack #1"Greeeen Girls"

Dear Jack,

I met my current boyfriend through a mutual friend about a year ago. We really connected instantly and a couple months later we started a romantic relationship and have been together happily ever since. In the early part of our relationship, we kept it under wraps just to be private, but as soon as "this" friend found out she literally stopped calling, or emailing me. She has a boyfriend & is practically engaged, and I am just not sure why she is mad. My boyfriend was the one to tell her about a month and half ago and apparently they're still friends. So my question is "why is she being such a bitch, & should I bother with the friendship?" We are bound to run into each other, at a party or something...

Sincerely,

Why do hetro, female friendships Suck?!!!

_______________________________


Dear 'Why do hetro, female friendships Suck?!!!',

If She has not informed you of why she might not approve of relationship between you and your boyfriend, then it doesn't and shouldn't matter to you. Our healthiest friendships and relationships stay that way I believe because we trust in them enough to speak honestly on how we feel about them and any conflicts that should arise. So firstly, Whatever her problems are with the relationship, If she is not a "friend" and woman enough to confront you with her issue, then It's not worth your attention or your boyfriend's attention. She is the one with issue, not you.

However, with all that said, there does seem to be some hidden history going on.. something lurking beneath obviously, between her and your boyfriend. It could be that she had a thing for him a long time ago or she might not think you are suitable for him. I am curious as to why you guys were private for a while and whose idea that was. It could also be strong possibility that she feels a bit betrayed because you two kept it secret for a little while. Whatever the case the more you stress about it the more it becomes an issue. So.. no, I would not care what she thought or further dig into why she is giving you the silent treatment any further than asking her once, Is there any issue you have between you and I? Do not ask her if she has any issue with you and your boyfriend. In the long run all three of you are adults and you have the hand to play this as neutral as possible. You snagged him and she has a man anyways. Whatever combination of issues she might have... You have the guy. When you run into her at parties and events, say Hi and smile and keep moving forward. Chances are highly likely her relationship isn't all that tight if she does have any time to waste thinking about yours. The reality is that you are happy with your man. Do not allow her issues to spill over into your relationship. It most likely that is what she wants. Mentally erect a wall, and hopefully time will wear her down. I personally would no longer ponder why she is acting the way she is. Allow her to act this out in isolation.



Hopefully that helped you, Babe. All the Best wishes.

Sincerely,

JK

Ask JACK!

In a bid to expand my blog and my range of topics (I'm Brilliant but not endlessly Brilliant *sly grin*) I want to reach out to you. Got a relationship problem or a particular view on topic that you would like to get my spin on? - swing it over at my direction. Ask me Anything, and all submission will be handled anonymously "Dear Abby" Style. Send question via my web site; http://maddjackkash.com/#/its-jack/4539296143 and fill out submission form or e-mail me dirrectly at MaddJackkash@gmail.com. In your subject please "headline" your question. Or just ask here!! Question text will be reprinted, so keep that in mind.

Look forward to hearing from YOU!

All the best regard to you on your side of stage

-Jack Kash

Elephant: A response from a reader on the Mandingo entry

It's late: I finished a movie and logged in to check my messages in short order and head to bed.. i have to be up in 5 hours. I'm an insomniac. Why? Because i think to damn much.

When I was a teenager I bought this book called Forbidden Knowledge. It was too lofty for me to understand at the time, but i liked the cover and the idea that there are philosophical properties that MUST and SHOULD remain in the dark, unknown, unspoken. Truths that should be told as lies to hide their crushing weight if pondered. There are ideas that are dangerous, like no god and morality as falsehood. There's no heaven or hell and true evil, no real good. The man who shot up a day care of children is just that, a man who shot up a day care of children and he will never pay for his sins, because he had not commited any. Yeah. I know. Deep shit! huh?


Well.. i attempted to end my night on the most shallow note possible. Celebrity Fit Club. But No.. I had to check my e-mail and receive the following response to the Mandingo Envy entry. It follows:


"I just read your blog. The standard for beauty is white and you're considered attractive (along with Halle Berry) because you have white features."

The lad was 19, Caucasian and from Canada. I think it might figure into his thinking or the fact he even said that... well moreso TYPED that to me. His logic was simple and direct. And brutal. Did he even know the impact of what he was saying. He reminded me of an old teenage boyfriend who lasted all of a two weeks back when i was 19. I called him bubble boy because we met at a night club and he was wearing a suit made of bubble wrap. He was gorgeous and had absolutely no censor. One day, in my bed room he said seemingly out of the blue " You might have a better body than me, but I will always be more attractive than you because I am more sociably acceptable."

It was one of those things, again, you don't say, but you think. Why do you not say? Because it infers error on a party. Which party that is? It's up for debate but a basic human instinct is that defense. Some things are better left unsaid because saying them will only result defensive behavior and denial. I'd even venture to say, we just might be hardwired to ignore the truth to be able to survive. Depending on what those truths are? But what the fuck is TRUTH to begin with.

When we speak of truth we speak of the idea that there is indeed an objective reality that is solid and un-bendable by perception. There is how i see it from where i stand...and how you see it from where you stand and then there's the way it actually exist. The idea of truth is quite godly. It's finite as well. It's the way it is. Not the way it can be or should be. It's just the way it is.

Now when that old boyfriend said that he will always be more attractive than I, it hit a nerve. I felt sad and insulted. But he had a fucking point...that sat somewhere in the middle. A point so clean, it could be argued it is the way it is.

The same for the 19 year old canadian. No matter what his intent was when he wrote what he thought. Whether he is a bigot or just very honest about cultural divides and binds, it didn't matter. The only hurts to those who deny it...and He was so fucking right. Put perfectly into the context of just how many times in my 27 years of life, have i been asked if i am just "black" and met with a tone of disbelief ..and/or disappointment when i say.. well.. i'm ...."Just Black" *frame Hands* A former boss of mine from Italy drunkenly said " You are not BLAAAAACK... Your nose isn't WIDE and BIG!!" So based on that comment would mean my that my "Attractivity" is based on what degree do i physically resemble white *dominant culture* beauty. Certainly if i had a bigger nose and were a few degrees darker i would be less attractive? Something ARE better left unsaid?

But this is supported by tons of cultural evidence that exists within the black community (Darker skin vs lighter skin; Slavery; Good hair vs bad hair) and in other minority circles- the caste systems of Mexico and latin america .... It goes on. Everyone likes Beyonce a little bit more than Kelly Rowland. Why because Beyonce fits the standard of beauty more so than a darker wider nosed black woman. So we KNOW this. But who says THIS? It's implications are bleak at best. They suggest that even after many decades of struggles we are still at ground one. Would Obama be president if he more closely resembled an african descendent?

Things Californians Love

Californians Love themselves some Weed. Our Weed is at the top of the list of "Things Californians Love", right above IN & OUT, Avocados, "Organic Foods", Lawyers, Our Doctors, Pornography and our undocumented Mexican gardener and cleaning lady.

Add to it.

Mandingo Envy/ Why am i not some crackers token black boyfriend?

I guess this is a dual entry with two intersecting themes.

Ah Where WOULD i begin? Hmmmm. How about Thursday night at the gym, my 8th consecutive night. I am on a treadmill alone in my apartment's private gym. I actually loathe public gym but i've got a 40 dollar a month membership to 24 HOURS GYM that i am barely using and the guilt is somewhat gnawing at my sides. I'm anxious. However i am more anxious at getting at this little piece of flab perched over my dick, like a falcon's crest overlooking the bushy terrain of my crotch...and i want my abs back to their solid washboard glory. I'm heavily intent on this. This is foremost in my mind as I'm running feverishly at 7.8 miles per hour going on 35 minutes with little rest bits between. I've been fairly consistent this evening at keeping up with this speed. Sweat has been forming at my crunched brow and my white towel i brought with me is dampening more with the succession of each minute as I reach for it and swipe the top my forehead and rest it down again on top of treadmill's red LCD screen. I lay it strategically to hide the calories and time amount of time I've been running so magically time can speed up, i don't worry myself with the count and hopefully i do more than I set out for myself.

I'm alone in the gym. Just me and my thoughts and a thought floated to surface that almost made me stop the mill and just stand to linger in it a little longer instead of squelching it. That thought was simply: "Why am i doing this?" and instantly i answered my own question with a somewhat ugly response:

"Because if I'm not handsome enough.. I'm single and edging towards 30. No longer a young adult.. the body isn't what it used to be. And face it. You're black. No one will want you."

I've known for the longest time that standard for beauty amongst black men- hell minorities period, is raised a hell of a lot higher than that of white guys. To be perfectly honest white men can develop a beer belly along with a receding hairline, but as long as they got a job and hold onto their entitlement snug enough, they're datable.. someone will fuck them and not just any snaggled toothed fag. Average looking white men to minorities are gold...especially if you are an Asian bottom or young black top with a BBC. As long as you fuck them, you've got your CARD. And by CARD, yes i mean your White Card, like Visa, excepted everywhere you wanna be.

Depending on where you stand on the stage of the world, this can be arguable. But not for me. Ever since coming out I've been told "I'm attractive for a black guy". I've also been lauded for being well spoken, creative, personable, interesting..... FOR a black guy. There's always that wedge which separates me from my race and somehow implies I'm cut from the better edges of a worn and undesirable cloth. And it echoes always in my psyche. I've dealt with it since a teenager and the younger 20 year old Jack. I have reconciled with that idea through the ages..grown with it. I do not resent the idea that i am in someway partially inferior as much as i used to. I'm not puzzled. Nowadays I'm amused by it. So amused I can write about in this color, I'm writing to you right now. In this tone. Blue. Yellow. Green.

Which brings me to the gym and back to why i hadn't been to 24-HOURS in a week. It was last week i went in and I was reminded of my goal when in the locker room. An at least 6 foot tall Black man, who i will call Mandingo, came strolling in with bulging biceps, a nice grid underneath his tight white t-shirt and these huge thighs. He was hot as hell. I swallowed my homemade protein shake and thought.. god i gotta get up to his level. I eyed Mandingo throughout my time at the gym, watching him perform reps and cautiously aping them. I wanted to be Mandingo. Mandingo has power. It's in his crotch and ability to make white men nervous in a world where they otherwise don't give a fuck. I loathed this sinking feeling of inferiority to Mandingo along with the envy mutating my clear thought processes into heavy white static. At times I compare myself to other black men. And i will tell you why.

In the GAY LAND, a land in which i reluctantly live ... Black men are a niche. It is common to read online personals that specify White or Latin... which always made me chuckle. It's as if ordering food on a menu. It almost directly comes across to me like White is the first choice.. but if you are out of that in the kitchen, eh.. I guess I'll take the closest thing to white.. Latin.Dark meat. Keeping with a metaphor of the gay restaurant, you will have your white diners who want the most exotic thing on the menu and will order it.. and order it again.... and again... Whether it's "Deep latin" or "Afro-can A-mer-i-can". I use to and still am a bit apprehensive of those (white) men who order up the same thing most if not all of the time. After being told that I was sub par while growing up out of the closet in southern California, the Inland Empire, where all the queens are jaded because of the smog, the high speed chases and the overall David Lynchian vibe of that valley you'll cross on your way from Los Angeles on 10 heading into the dry desert, I suddenly at some point became a big hit. It was around 22, and when i started visiting San Francisco for weeks at a time and then moved there and somehow got a job in a night club and at a little boutique in the Castro. Men were after me left and right. But these men were unlike the gays I knew in southern California. They LIKED black. They LIKED them A lot. My best friend in San Francisco, almost a motherly fag to me,had fucked or at least flirted with every black man in the Castro... and that's not a lot. He is the Black Rolodex... his knowledge of any black gay male- eligible or non-eligible extended from San Francisco to east bay to Sacramento. The Boy was pulling them,. And I enjoyed the attention for awhile, until i started noticing some of the guys i was dating seemed to have nearly a fetish for black men. This was new for me.. because i grew up in Southern California, in the Inland where I was treated horribly by the queers there. I lotion twice daily because when i was 18 some bitch, Mexican at that, told me he didn't Doooooo Black men... "one word: ash". I HATED the Inland Empire.

So with that background, i was elated to have a dating pool but soon I grew a bit disenchanted with the idea that i was possibly expendable to the "black hunters"- They like black men...because they are soulful, their skin is rich, their bodies muscular, their voices deep, their cocks the size New York City rodents. I began to feel expendable IF the guy i was dating might run into someone BIGGER, BETTER and BLACKER than I. What's a verbose neurotic audiophile like myself to do?


Easy. GET BIGGER< BETTER AND BLACKER?

But what the fuck is bigger, better and blacker? My mind rife with these muddled emotions, apprehensions, half formed ideas and hunches that lead to rocky unstable roads i wasn't sure i wanted to travel. On one hand I believe in telling it and accepting it like it is. It's better to have someone interested in you for you than someone who doesn't want you for you. Those are the types that would say to me "Well I usually don't find black men attractive but You are HOT!!", to which i couldn't reply, only run. But then there's this really cheep feeling when you look around you and nearly all the black men in SF have white boyfriends. It seems as if that is my destiny; To be some crackers Trophy Black Husband.

"Oh here goes my Black man! I'm not like the other whites.. i DATE BLACK MEN.... (and I'm a bottom)*cough*"

So Here i am at the gym kind of laughing at myself, all sweaty, with the basic premise for the entry in my head- but seriously i start to wonder IF that is the ONLY end result. If that is the only option, just settle down with some chocoholic..what do they call them these days? I can just bulk on up, so I'm Mandingo enough to snag myself a decent looking white man who works for the ACLU, maybe land a Jew, who knows, and poof!! my happy ending. It feels like that is ALL there is.. and it's instinct for me to rage against any machine. I could go Afrocentric and find me a black man for the sake of it.. but i would be no different than the machine I'm trying to fight. It's like death... there is a undeniable sense of inevitability, especially when every time i look around i see the hottest black man is with a white guy who most likely voted for Obama and or a Nader-fag who listens to too much NPR.I can Wind up with some guy who is ashamed he's white and is repenting for his ancestors sins and his equally pale family members back home in Idaho by fucking the nearest biggest, blackest mothefucker his ass can find thats wants his ass and adopting a skittles bag of children from third world countries and making sure they bring along their culture club to EVERY SINGLE RED NECK FAMILY REUNION. Or If said white guy is from east coast money... the Summer House.

Nah. I've never been the type to bend to what was expected of me. I always opted for the opposite just to prove i was nobody's slave and nobody's fool and certainly nobody's nobody. There is a culture, a byproduct of what i'm describing, of black men who have felt the racism and intentionally date white men. They feel if they can bag a white man they are of importance. They're "Nota Nigga". I felt this a lot last year as i went through a dating marry-go-round, four guys in one month. Each fellow seemingly flaunting me as their HOT YOUNG BLACK BOYFRIEND..and for a few seconds i bought into it.. i enjoyed it even up until the novelty of it wore out and i felt, again, i was doing what was expected of me. So i had to give my card up. And sure enough there was another black guy waiting in the wings to take my place and they didn't question defiantly like i did. They had their card and were damn glad i gave it up for whatever reason. To the white guy that i left and his fresh new black catch I was the nigger. I was the ignorant one, silly enough to pass on that available White Card and all of it's perks and privileges.

Shortly after i got off the Merry-go-round nauseous and disorientated I left San Francisco with other shit on my mind.. family.. finding a sense of self OUTSIDE from what i felt was a pre-programmed fate for me as a creative black gay male. Too many drugs were around me... too much partying and I was looking at 27 and not feeling whole. And i certainly believe that two halves can make a whole- a codependent whole, and that was never me. comfortableness in me breeds anxiety. like the anxiety i feel today... I've rediscovered who Jack is and what makes Jack tick... what makes Jack happy. What Jack's passion is.

So In the spirit of my rebelliousness, I caught myself at the gym after that nasty response to my my bothersome question: "Why am i doing this?". I can't live my life sanely standing next to other black men in the troughs sizing up who's dick is bigger and whether that dictates my worth as a black man. Or A man period. No one should compare themselves to anyone. It's exhausting and defeats the purpose of your singularity, your unique fingerprint you leave on this world. My worth is not my penis, or any stereotype that radiates from MTV/Viacom culture. I am Jack and these are my truths. If i deny reality then i become a lie. The same can be said for you.

Things I do not Understand.

The rise and fame of the Kardashian women

Decaffeinated Coffee

pro-life Gay men

Decimating your own minority community with drugs and the promotion of unhealthy sex lives

Just The existence of Ann Coulter


and

The biggest counter-cultural riddle for me? What keeps me up at night in a cold damp painful sweat? What threatens to twist my brain into knots until it implodes into greyish gooooo?

THIS:

(warning extremely NSFW/NSFE and Not for the faint of heart)


Click Enter and then Video

http://www.boyhous.com/

I've never fully had an explaination as WHY this would be appealing to ANYONE!!

Scenes From a Social Network/Modern Youth

Remember what it was like to be a teen? Remember what it was like to be a teen and think other teens are retarded? I just thought I would post this amusing exchange i stumbled upon on last.fm between two teenager, A Boy and A girl. Toggle between http://www.last.fm/user/autobiographer & http://www.last.fm/user/Wolf_Diamond. Scroll down to the comments sections to witness this cute little fight between boy and girl. It will make you smile. I thought it was cute. Oh Youth.


Quote of Day: (From autobiographer): "This is why the world should have exterminated all sixteen year old boys, not the jews."

Kids Say the darndest things!

Speak NOW or forever hold your peace: Why coming out of the closet is sooo over.

http://music-mix.ew.com/2010/03/29/ricky-martin-gay/

When Sean Hayes "came out of the closet" a few weeks ago in an article, falsely claiming he was in, I think we all yawned. Let's start with the obvious, "We" already knew He was a gay actor. If Sean Hayes' physical mannerism didn't point him being a fussy mo', his career pattern did. Post Will and Grace Sean Hayes was relegated to character actor status staring as the villain or whimsical peripheral character in kids flicks. Not that he could do much else but play that... Sean Hayes doesn't really come off as versatile *hey no "pun" intended..i think*. The point is that it was absolutely no secret but he played it as such. I would have rather had him come out as a middle aged Lesbian woman who for 8 years played an annoying gay, Gay-male stereotype, The Theater Queen. The irony would be rich and raw. Yawn.



At some point in the middle of the day I got an message on facebook from a friend who attached an article stating Ricky Martin declared he was a homosexual man. Oh really now?! The world stopped turning for 5 minutes as i caught my breath.... I had just finished running 5 miles. I've been a non-repentant smoker for 6 years.

I find it rather insulting these days that in the day and age of Johnny Weir and Adam Lambert, Big companies funding marketing divisions to to cut campaigns tailored to the gay and lesbian consumer with all that disposable income...and lets not mention the glut of openly gay head honchos a television stations and film studios, that these once A-List stars decide to come out of the closet to a press in amazement, jumping at interviews seemingly on the backs of a much younger generation who are beginning their careers out of the closet and facing both an embrace from a segment of middle America while still being somewhat patronized for their bravery by the GAY PRESS. Johnny has been laughed at by many while still capturing attention...but it's laced with a bit of joke in there somewhere. On the other hand you have Evan Lysecek, clearly homo and clearly closeted is now the American Olympic Hero of the minute and dancing away on one of Americas favorite television events, Dancing with Stars. Is Evan being rewarded for being closeted? Was Ricky Martin right to stay in the closet during the height of his career? Are both missing out on an opportunity that Johnny Weir and Adam Lambert took up without apologies?

See, what i am getting at is that although I do not believe any celebrity should be "forced" out of the closet, Staying in that box perpetuates notions that you can not have a successful career and be out. I DO believe the days of Rupert Everett, who famously declared coming out the worst decision he made in his career. And He was right. But he broke some ground while breaking his career. Hey you gotta Break some eggs....

By staying in the closet, hell yeah the perception that you must keep your orientation a secret for "demographic reasons" is going to be and stay quite true. I look at Lambert and Weir as somewhat products of my generation that caught the first wave of gays and lesbians breaking into the nascent expanding media. Cable allowed more avenues to be explored. MTV gave us the story of Pedro Zamora on the Real world, and Ellen at the Height of the success of her Sitcom, came out as lesbian on and off screen. The next year you had Will& Grace and in 2000 Showtimes Queer as Folk, followed by The L word. I was 17 when Queer As Folk debuted the fall of 2000. I had just came out to my mother and she was prepared, a little frightened of what would come next, but accepting nonetheless. To this day she muses on how Queer As Folk served somehow as window into my life, To get closer to me through these characters and their mothers. That bred tolerance in her and understanding compassion for the process.

I think The new wave of Non-come-out stars are partially due to those steps taken in the later half of the 90's and earlier part of our last decade. I wonder right now, IF Ricky would have come out when Barbara Walters asked him if he was a homo back in 2000, what would have occurred. Walters recently remarked she regretted asking him that question, hinting she might have helped destroy his career..which I don't personally believe. But what would have happened. Fuck George Michael and Elton John came out and actually rode a resurgence in their careers thanks to the "come out". Now the power of coming is lost. We shrug and move on.. because we actually don't care. And because we don't care- that should be sign enough that things HAVE changed. If you come out, you help to further diminish old rusty rules that no longer need to exist in this world. They only continue to live because celebrities are clinging to the closet sighting privacy in a world where now a sex tape can get you a reality show on E television and then a spokesperson gig for Carls Jr. or at least a spot on Celebrity Fit club.

These are just reverberations of a post i posted a few weeks ago in reference to Sean Hayes.

My bottom line is that "coming out" is sooooo 1999. Get over it just BE out. I have much gratitude for the Weir and Lambert... my examples i've been touting this entire entry. I see them now as unsung anti-heroes to the perverted logic that one can not be who they are in order to be an entertainer.

Lysacek could do right NOW, what Ricky Martin didn't do. Come out and show America "Hey, Openly gay men can get medals too." Ah That will never happen.. well not soon. It's a shame, just like Tyler Perry could come out of his closet and possibly shake up Religious African American views on homosexuality existing in their community.


A boat missed.

Straight Talk

I just spent the last 2 hours playing straight for the first time in LONG time.. i think EVER, actually with this dude at the gym who sparked up a conversation with me which lead to us training together. It was bizarre.. i don't know why i felt compelled to.. but i did.. I turned up the "bro" talk and somehow managed to keep a conversation about antique cars and Gangs and Prison and "weed" because straights are obsessed with weed. Then he asked for my number to hang out at some straight bar.. and i was like "Yeah.. I'm down brah!"

I hang my head in shame at my shamelessness. It's actually easy to relate to straight people. Sure, I am one of those gays who upon coming out went to seek solace in my community... only later to find out there was none there and the community is gas, one that exist only in print and is broken up into these potentially combustible microcosms. The Drag Queens, The A Gays, The art fag, The Holister A&F crews.... then those seperate within into more sub-cultures. The beat goes on.

When talking with a straight person, it's easy to first approach them with a firm handshake. This shows you are strong.. then say Brah. Especially if you are black. White boys gay or straight will almost always greet me with a "Bro" or "Brah" or "What up Son." .... words that are not naturally in my dialect. I do often use "man". Straight like this. It appeals to my "downess". You gotta have the downness to hang with the straight male.

Throughout those two hours we worked out together, unplanned.. He was a Latin guy and I, of course black. I kept asking myself silently, why am I instantly hiding the fact I am a mo. And I thought..well Being a mo isn't all i am. I can have a conversation with him and be neutral. I kept asking myself; "Just how much does it really matter that i am gay?" but as we progressed in our interaction, topics like women and violence..and getting jumped, and Weed, yes they love WEED, came up. And car shows and Nascar. And I became determined to have myself engage in this line conversation as some kind of test. But the test led to lies. I was nodding like i knew what he was talking about. The initial thoughts of separation between he and I deminished. I was having fun. It felt out of body almost. Then I mentioned attending a Nascar event "once" and he was filled with glee. He went on for a half an hour about cars and I would reply with hues of deceit. I have never been to a Nascar event in my life. However I could relate to him when he started to talk about restoring cars. That was "gay" enough for me... art. This is topic i can dig.

Before long we started talking about nite life, and he asked me which clubs i went to and I felt compelled to flat out lie. I was like, what do I do? I've gained this guys respect and trust, what if i name a joint that he identifies as a gay joint, then i am out? What do I do then? I decided then I would Lie MORE... and say "Oh i haven't been out much since I've been in Texas MAN... I went to one club, i forget the name." He says "was it Chrome?" and I cringed beneath my next breath and nodded and said "I think so! Bro".

I officially painted myself in the closet with this guy, and It came with a bit of exhilaration. I was thinking "How am I doing? Am i coning him? Lets play it up a tad bit more." I was IN. And it became a bit of a dare to myself. I've finally stepped into the shoes of some of the "poor closeted homos" whom i have somewhat look upon with mixture of pity, contempt, apathy and little bit of empathy and distrust and disappointment. Being in Texas, I am exposed to more closeted gay men and women than ever. I consider myself an understanding man. I try my damnedest to understand every subset i can.. even the majority. Most white people don't care to know my experience and how i interact to my environment, How I feel about it and why I might feel the way i do. But for two hours I unwittingly became a man in the closet. I wondered what would this guy say if i told him i don't date women and prefer to date men? Would he be my friend? Thoughts I haven't thought since I was fucking 16!! I've been out since then and Never have i given a damn about how someone might feel about me being who i am. Simply I would not gravitate towards conversation or relationships with people who could possibly be homophobic. And I THINK i come off clearly as a gay male. Ooooooo what if he thought i was just a metro-sexual? eh. No, i've been dressing like shit these days.

The threshold has been weakened to give us strength?

http://www.slatev.com/video/how-i-ran-ad-fox-news/

Interesting little video i found on Slate.com. Apparently google is running an television advertising service which allows YOU, yes YOU.. the everyman to run your commercials on national Tv for as little as 100 dollars. Sounds too good to be true, Doesn't it?

This little development is both a blessing and a curse. It would seem plausible that now that we have the internet teaming with blogs and viral videos that have made micro-celebrities out of joe blows across the entire globe, television would pick up on that unbridled creativity, inexpensive creativity to moisten it's dried rivers and lakes. The reality television trend has become cannibalistic now, so what's next in programming? Will this recent innovation give way to a future where you can create your own television shows and have them broadcast on networks- much like old school cable access ? i'm going to wait a while before i try this out myself.

Bad Girls vs Trannies?

Friday Night- headed to the gym soon than out drinking and getting laid- like i SHOULD be or at least want to be. I've spent the last three hours defiling my mind with a certain television show called "Bad Girls Club"...which i was hesitant to watch. These bitches are CRUEL!! Which led me to daydream of survivor between Drag queens and Bitchy bratty females. Who would win?


The Trannies:




The Bad Girls:




Fat women can throw down too:

Gay Porn actor dies on video camera after stuffing pot baggy in mouth and being tasered.... FAIL!

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/2010/03/09/2010-03-09_cops_taser_kill_gay_porn_star_dustin_michaels_as_video_cameras_roll.html


I'll actually admit I don't recommend watching the video below, because it does indeed show the last minutes of a man, a extremely stupid man- but man nonetheless struggling to survive after resisting arrest and putting a pot baggy in his mouth and then being fucking tasered.

Ok... Here are the number of problems i have with this shit:

1. Of course he's white. A "Brutha" knows best not to fuck with the police. They got these newish things called tasers that they are barely trained on how to use but they look real cool and they are itching to use these. I know from first hand knowledge... when they say get down. You get the fuck down.

2.POT?!? Gabe, where are you? Whats the worse he would he faced? Misdemeanor pot possession.. Now if it were crack or heroine, I can see that..and anyways those come in bags small enough to enough to ingest. I am being pragmatic here. What the fuck would possess him to resist arrest...and swallow a POT baggy? I feel for the dude but.... hell no am i gonna die for pot. It better be high grade Colombian coke and I'm facing 25 years for intent to sell on top of other serious charges.

3. It got caught on tape and will be played again and again.... somehow this feels appropriate... and inappropriate.

anyhow.. very sad. I have nothing else more to say about This.

White goes Live

http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20350436,00.html?xid=rss-topheadlines

The People spoke and their wishes granted. Betty White to host, for the first time ever at that, SNL, at age 88. From the people article she turned downed SNL three times because it was "Too New York". May 8th will be her debut on a special mother's Day themed episode, which to me is too far away... this bitches clock is ticking...Get her IN as soon as possible. 88!?

The "Cute Corey" dead at 38 of overdose

http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/movies/2010/03/corey-haim-dead-possible-overdose.html

Woke up to reports from all News sources that actor and 80's teen icon Corey Haim had died overnight of a possible drug overdose. New outlets choose their words wisely, but it probably WAS an overdose, and the saddest part is that it isn't shocking and prompts one to think under their thoughts "What took so long?" considering his mental state, his fast L.A. living lifestyle which became the bed rock of his post success profile. He was forever tied to "River Pheonix Era" young hollywood..and appeared to have made it out alive.

Not So, now.

He will be forever chained, even in death to actor Corey Feldman who is best known for being Michael Jacksons friend... i mean...also being a teen heart throb. To me, the Coreys were not in my era. This news will effect late 80's kids-adults 35 and up more- than me.

There's a moral to this story, that is still being focused as details emerge. Sometimes you can't exactly control the gravity or lack thereof of your career. Lets watch the fallout.

Better Late than never: Oscar Night provides first time gold for Female Director and Chewbaccan relative.

Oscar Night was filled with tears and joy and the lamest dead celebrities montage in recent memory. I didn't watch the telecast live. I tuned in only for most of the major categories ( I missed best supporting actor... snoooze) because i was busy tending to other things. If it weren't for the innovation of the Digital Video Recorder, more commonly referred to as the DVR, i would have totally missed out on a event that would have put Terri Schiavo into a DEEPER coma. Am I the only one who thought last years affair was far more jubilant and out-of-the-box creative than this year? And I would think- with 10 Best picture nominees ranging from Sci-fi to fantasy to dark urban drama to whimsical family film to Sober war film- that there would be a creative surge that would affect the celebrities in the rows wearing gowns and tuxedos that equal the down payment on modest flat in the city or a down payment on a house in suburbs. Things that really consume us.

But I could not be any happier that Katherine Bigelow walked away with the prize for best Directing AND Picture for the Hurt Locker. God...didn't we all want to be piece of James Cameron's brain matter for at least an hour after that! Actually as Barbra Streisand rattled off that a woman could be the FIRST to take home the prize I was soooooo certain Sophia Coppola had won that prize already for the incredibly boring "Lost in Translation"- But i was wrong and she was right and Bigelow raced up to that stage and took one golden statue and in less than 5 minutes later got ANOTHER. One could imagine the sound of glass breaking in James Cameron's smug little mind. I don't know for a fact he is smug but he smell of it to me... and I was actually overjoyed a film about the trauma soldiers undergo in Iraq under senselessness and a sense of duty was chosen than a fantasy film dubbed the most expensive film EVER by press- a rather disgusting feat only Americans could dream up and manage into reality. To spend $500M, according to The Times, on a single film boggles my fragile little mind. It took only $15 million to make the Hurt Locker. You do the maths- how Hurt Lockers fit into Pandora. So I was quite thrilled at that result. Again... god i wanna be in his BRAIN! Damn!


I was also Thrilled with Mo'Niques win for the portrayal of Mary Jones, The abusive, despicable and completely un-empathizable (If that isn't a word a made one up) welfare mom to Gabourey Sidibe's Precious. The performance was the definition of grit and I couldn't possibly have imagined that Mo'Nique (best known for the blockbusting and critically acclaimed performances in Soul Plane and Phat Girlz) could pull such a black voided character out of her hat. She did! And she WON, like we knew from Day one (who as actually seen Up in the Air? I haven't met anyone yet... who were those two white women anyways?*ahem*) she'd take the prize in another first. This would be the very first Oscar given to a descent of Chewbacca. As it is widely known, Mo'Nique recently did genealogical research and found out that from a Galaxy Far Far away Her great great grandfather was Chewbaccan and in honor of that heritage she does not shave her legs. THAT was left out of the Barbara Walters Interview and left IN was Mo'Nique's admission to being sexually abused by her brother which was where she did pull Mary Jones out. I must admit I was underwhelmed by her acceptance speech.

Lastly Sandra Bullocks win for the Blind Side, which was like De'ja vu for me.(Remember Ellen Burstyn vs Julia Roberts in Erin Brocovich Did she deserve the win? absolutely not. Am I happy she did... ya know... yeah. Sandra Bullock career has last longer than most other cancers because, unlike most cancers she actually is likable. Sally Field 2. Her speech was heartfelt and funny... and although Siddibe truly should have won... the grace in which Bullock took her statue made it a pleasing win.

Did I miss anything?

What The FUCK Ever!

http://rumorrat.com/2010/03/08/exclusive-will-graces-jack-comes-out-fibs-about-never-having-been-in/


Sean Hayes, who for YEARS played flaming non-repentant homo Jack, On NBC's Will & Grace, has come out of the closet. This would be somewhat on the heels of earth shattering news that the blonde homely mom from Family Ties is a full blown lezzie who prefers to dip her McNuggets in 'Gyna sauce. And course before then we learned Alison Goldfrapp is lesbian..and 40 at that! and Kelly McGillis... yada...yadda..yadda. What is wrong with this picture? I thought post career coming out was out of season until this recent crop mid-life come outs, that aren't surprising at all. And more importantly why i am writing about this.

The whole debate on whether a celebrity should or should not come out is tired- as tired as waiting until you are in mid 40's and you have the Adam Lamberts and Johnny Weirs of a different generation who start their careers, straight out the gate setting off fire alarms with faggotry so electric Tesla is suing from his grave for copyright infringement. Yeah. It does bother me...especially when you have Queen Latifah and Jodi Foster waiting in the wings because being in the closet somewhat makes them look smart. Let's use Weir and Lambert as test specimen for the "early career non-come out". These men are unabashedly gay.. yet there is a residue of contention that surrounds them.... Where as People will probably run a "Yes I am gay" for Sean Hayes, while we are all like duh. For me that reinforces the closet.

Late night.. time for bed and THATS my first entry.