Beauty and the invisible beast.

In my moments of self reflection and analyzation, I often am trying to piece together what went horribly wrong. Why am I the way i am? What helped shaped me into what and who i am today and exactly what to do with it? And in doing so i bandy about a bunch of ideas, most of them stew like raw meat on a very slow burning stove, and move onto the next thing and before i know it, when i return to that thought it's charred and sticking to the pot. Inedible. But it's all that i have to eat. So i make due, and I begin the process of salvaging what is at last 20% edible.

Food for thought.

Often times i ponder why my sex life has always been unsatisfactory and half of the men i;'ve fucked i've never really liked. Yeah. I'll admit it. They sucked. If you are one of them and are reading this right now, You were the good one. You rocked! The rest were bad. I'm quite sure that I am someones bad lay. Multiple peoples BAD...LAY.

And when i say it was bad sex, i'm going to admit upfront before i go any further that only I can take the blame. And when i divulge why that most of the sex i have had was bad and regrettable, I know you're going to say.. well that was your fault.I have to set that up first before i bite my own very bitter bullet. I suppose no bullet is sweet.

When i was 14, I had my first sexual experience in High School with a friend. we were both 14 and it was experimentation to him and more of a right of passage for me. Blowing him was walking the yellow brick road to emerald city. Instead of a city made out of semi precious stones, it was made of dick. Lots of dick. With his ejaculation I walked through the doors of sexual perception clean. Everything possible. Now, 14 years later I'm filthy. How did it get this way?

When you first have sex, I think most of us do it just to do it because it's something to done. A right of passage, and it's toss up on whether it's meaningful for you, beyond the meaning of the fact you did it! You came, with another human being. For me, the guy was just some friend. Nothing else. Not terribly attractive to me at the time other than he had a dick and was available. And availability, we learn as adults, is MOST of the battle in terms of just getting laid. He meant nothing more to me than a get off than I meant to him. And i was fine with that. Did that first encounter set the stage for what would become my adult sex life?

Now here's where I'll tell you what i think went wrong. As a teenager I was raised with the idea that beauty was only skin deep. Nothing you could put stock in and inside is what mattered. My generation was completely sold that with Disney's Beauty and The Beast. Every late 20's kid remembers that hitting the box office and your VCR's while your parents invited you to forget they existed for 90 minutes. The 80's and the early 90's were the age of the "very special episode". Episodes that taught us that drugs were bad and that you couldn't get AIDS off a toilet seat or by sharing an ice cream cone.Social messages were drilled into our head and especially the idea of tolerance. Which is a great one, for any generation. But something went askew. Maybe it was just for me. I shrug.

In between the messages that were instilled in me to look beyond "someones appearance". "Don't be judgmental" and "Don't hurt other peoples feelings" and "Sharing is caring"... I don't think I was ever told how those sentiments would carry into the adult world. The real beast, that one would have to struggle to find beauty within. Is there a generation that took those messages a little too litterally. Or have those messages been metastasized into something oppressive and dark. Lost?

Ok.. So... In my early 20's is when i started to really date and have an active sex life. But i tended to give myself away to the underdig. the guy who was sweet. The guy who was smart. Not going for the attractive guy because he is bad. And that would make me shallow to go for attractive people, wouldn't it? That's how my mind was warped by those messages. And Of course unattractive men, who KNOW they are unattractive have to be fucking nice, and funny and smart because they don't have shit to work with visually in a world which predominately rewards the attractive with instant pleasures, many of which warp the highly attractive into a false sense of importance. The ugly man wins because his gifts carry him further to the game. The average attractive person, if they do not get intervention, will slide into only relying on their attractiveness to get what they want and when they are no longer attractive. They're fucked.

As a kid, I knew this. I never thought i was attractive until i was told only after high school. And maybe i'm still unwilling accept it because i have never trusted it. But in my life I have been blessed with many men who want to fuck me. And THAT, my friends, is NOT something one would want to brag about actually. It's cold and alienating in the long run. My sex life was comprised of one night stands and brief relationships with people who I made myself see something more in them... or I felt at times obligated to have sex with. This is perverse... but have you ever dated someone because they were kind and you thought they were safe, living out some fantasy in your head that the unattractive guy somehow is going to be better than the attractive guy. I was always getting close, or feeling sorry for men at bars who would coward and give me a compliment, and say nice things...and If i act as if i was attracted to them, i would feel as if i was harming their self image, which was secretly just as fragile as theirs, because i was morphing into a slut who was easy. Basically that is what i became.


Did i say that out loud?

Ami blaming poltical correctness for brainwashing me into misconstruing "Don't be prejudice. Beauty is skin deep." into EVERYONE is Attractive? Maybe. I think culturally that is what those messages have been mangled into in counter-cultures when we're telling people how they should feel about something or someone. The message is left as is, and can be used later on as manipulation by whoever is picking up where that message left off. "Everyone is beautiful" becomes "I must find everyone attractive." maybe i'm just the only dumbass who took that so literally in that it completely ruined my sex life and now i'm a bitter 28 year old trying to reboot his sex life with 9 months of celibacy and whole lot of therapy. Yes, i'm trying rediscover sex and myself. Being ok with having preferences and saying no...and knowing what i want and seeing through others intentions. Now, why i am riffling these thoughts into an electronic ether, is beyond me.

Maybe i want to know if i am alone. Maybe I'm trying to excuse something else with the hypothesis above? Maybe i was just an easy slut in need of affection and attention? Maybe i am just insane while everyone else is quite content with saying no to someone they don't find attractive thus they didn't stick around for manipulation?*shrugs*

Food for thought.


I thought this rant belonged here.

The Obligatory Boyfriend

Awash with ideas on how to reboot my blog, I settled with writing about NOW. I wrote and rewrote about the insanity of the end of last year. It was spectacular and jungian. Everything i wanted to happen, happened. But backwards. My face fell off.

And zoom forward to now, I'm not looking back. I'm rather just focused on forward with one of those cones around my head that you give dogs so that they don't chew their nuts after you've had them neutered and keep their wounds from healing.

Earlier tonight i was on a website, the kind ya go to and flirt with men you have no intetion on meeting and masturbate to their webcam vids and trade hollow compliments with... the kind that go "Ur hot." Yeah. I was on one of those and This very attractive guy, white guy, sent me a message with very naughty photos of himself for the second time in the previous week, i might add. He was New Orleans and his profile said he was happily engaged in a "long term" relationship with a guy who was also on this website. He listed the screen name of his boyfriend. I instantly knew his boyfriend was black...and judging from his own attractiveness, his black boyfriend was also attractive..and probably more attractive than he. I looked up the black boyfriend and sure enough.. he was a black male with a gorgeous physique. Shaved head. He looked a little like me if i went on steroids and was mid 40's and a circuit queen, a fate that i could very well choose if i really wanted to. I mean.. how easy is it to be... THAT?

My judgment gave way to a weird uncomfortable unwanted longing, which led to a question..

Why am i missing my obligatory boyfriend?

Whats wrong with me.

This is not uncharted territory. All you have to do is go like 7 entries back and you'll discovered i have played with this very shape of idea before. But the addition to this was the lingering question to the guy who sent me the message.. "Why are you on here when you have this beautiful guy on your arm, supposedly?"

Envy filled my heart. An uncomfortable envy. And my front had been exposed. Although I am perfectly fine with being alone, somewhere inside myself, somewhere close enough to the surface to be seen, I .... I feel left out on something.

Left out of things like going to the gym with my gay homosexual lover. Having fights with him. Making up. Boring friends with talk of how perfect he is to the point they avoid me and mock me when i am not in their presence. Left out on feeling unsatisfied with our relationship because i have the option to. Gay cruises. Left out of getting bored with him, so we go pick up a hooker or someone easy to both fuck and keep it secret. Or left out of longing what could have been with someone else. I feel left out on then dragging someone single into my relationship woes only to stick with my man while the single guy gets the short end of the stick and starts wondering everything i am wondering now.

So with everything that i've mentioned above- the insult to injury is...

"Why am i even bothered by this?"

I see this shit all the time. Not that there aren't couples that aren't 100% happy and faithful and all poppies and glory. I think that to see the men who pass me by and give me a wink and nod while they are supposedly in happy relationships- yet confessing to me otherwise- somehow, quite frankly, unnerves me. I would be perfectly happy with someone who fit. And Yes, I have a sheer reluctance to fall into mold where I'm with some white dude because he adores me because I add some spice into his life ...and he's a bottom. What scares me is that... it seems to be like "what is destined". There is no control over it.

I'm Capricorn, so there's an issue with that line of thinking. We LIKE control.

Another component to this uneasiness with men who appear to be in obligatory relationships (the white guy with the black guy/The two "professionals" who adopt a baby and a nanny) and then surf outside of that relationship to "floaters" like me, is that they don't seem to be satisfied and have "enough". They want more. and more. To a single lad, who has been single for ages...and afraid of this scenario, thus i tend to circumvent commitment- This is annoying and unfortunate.

Yes, I'm speaking from a well of experience because, for some odd reason, a reason i am aware of, I'm a lightning rod for these men. And all of these thoughts might not make much sense. I admit they are pretty disjointed, but i'm doing my best to pull them together for you. For your consideration.


Anyhow. This is my first entry in ages. I don't mind that it's a little rough cut.

I will say that i am back.

and thank you for reading. *smile*

Time to search for my obligatory boyfriend.

We don't live here anymore.

I must come out of the closet on something, i'm sure some people in my life have picked up. A secret i will now share. A secret that has terrorized me for many many years and shapes who i am and how interact with this world. It shapes how i feel in the world.

I am diagnosed with and treated for Social Anxiety Disorder. I have been since i was 17. I avoid people and places teaming with human life. Unpredictable... human life. And I had gotten pretty good at shuffling below my feet, covering it with a few feet of debris and I flourished for awhile, i felt normal for awhile- maybe even "cured" up until Christmas eve 2007 in Louisiana where while my neurotic self was looking for my cousins car and her in it, I was tackled by a team of officers, hand cuffed and thrown on the back of a police car while a crowd grew to see "what i had done".. i was barked at by tall white police officer who for the first time in my life called me "boy"- the southern definition- in which you know it when you hear it. It CUTS! He told me i would spend the entire christmas weekend in jail. and for what?


I had been "followed" by an undercover police officer, and I was trying door knobs. Which wasn't true. I was suspected of looking to steal a car or objects in it. Within the first 10 minutes i was quite cool headed. I told the yelling officer , his finger half an inch away from poking my forehead, that if they would immediately go and look at the wal-mart security camera footage I would be cleared(I used to work for this wal-mart and I know that all Wall-marts have extensive parking lot cameras due to the frequency in which crime occurs in them.) He responded with a bark back "I look at the footage YOU GO TO JAIL!" And as a Reasonable man, i took that it was Christmas eve in to account.I remained calm.. but... my package began to unravel with the unfolding of each minute. Then He put me in the squad car. It turmed from i was being suspected to I was committing criminal mischief. For walking..around.. LOOKING ..as if i were trying to steal a car or objects inside. It was further made crazy because I had only my wallet on me. I had no broken skin and no cars were reported broken into. The mere suggestion followed me..and even after that day I could not go into the Wall-Mart without someone working there looking at me crossly and with a hint of disgust. To them i HAD broken into a car. A worker even called my mother in Texas and told her that I had broken into a few cars, and resisted arrest! All of which did not occur. I had become a criminal without any crime being committed by me.

If there was one thing that would be the most awful thing i can imagine happening to someone with social anxiety disorder, other than being abducted by a serial killer and raped in a public space while two hundred people gawk after being scalped, it would be THIS. My sense of trust in the police as my protector was shattered that day. And later on re-shattered after i told my story to my black or latin peers and family members and got scoffed at with a "welcome to the club!"- "What you bitching for, this happens all the time!" followed by an equally or more harrowing story than mine. I was told that i was indeed...... PROFILED. So i best leave my pity party of one and join the hundreds of thousands if not millions who are targeted by police with the only probable cause being the color of ones skin, EVERYDAY.


When I was younger, a teen falling in love with music, i would not eat lunch for days until i had enough money saved to go to The Warehouse, a now defunct chain of music superstores, that was on the walk home from my high school. My mom would tell me not to go, or come home and put my book bag away before entering the store.I asked her why and she warned "I could be suspected of stealing- young black men get locked up everyday." and I hated her for this because I knew that i was law abiding i wouldn't steal. But I was also a teenager and she felt i should not put myself in a position as to where i would be accused. Truth be told, If you are reading this and a white person, minorities, especially African Americans and Latin Americans- especially Mexican folk sit around with each other and do talk shit at times about the police. They instruct their young on how to stay and look clean. "don't get involved with the wrong crowd!" and elders have many stories of how the world was in the 40's and 50's. I used to think my mom was superimposing her fears for me directly onto me up until the incident in Covington, Louisiana. Nope Nope, not anymore.

Afterwards i was angry for a good a year. My fear of being in public and teased turned to fears of being in public and tasered.(I was taking the BART a lot when the BART officer on New Years 2008 killed a handcuffed citizen) Perhaps I might forget to act a certain way-prehaps i'm wearing something that might make me look like a big hooligan. I paid attention to my dress. No more baseball caps. My aunt for christmas bought me a dreadful black polyester bomber jacket that was loose fitting and I refused to wear it because.. "Oh oh! I might look as if i have a gun in my pocket!" I do not wear jackets unless i really have to nowadays. I don't wear black or anything adidas like except for my gym clothes..and I make sure people know that i am going to the gym. When I approach my apartment, my keys are out. The incident had completely turned into this person living and breathing paranoia. I live in paranoia because I learned i do not have control over what others think and I can be a good guy- Never arrested before in my life- and still I can become a criminal.


Life is not the same for me. I am not living. Like I can't remember when i last smelled roses and plants and digested my reality slowly. No fear. Just peacefully existing . I remember the days in which i felt as if i couldn't walk slowly, and enjoy the air.. or stop to look at a plant. Or sit on the grass alone in a park and just rest. Those days long gone for fear I might be loitering. Fear I might look as if i am staking out a house for robbery, depending on the time of day or night. I can't rest. I can't walk slowly and let my guards down and just enjoy life like white people can. I can't enjoy the world. I can't walk on a sidewalk and pass by a white woman with dog and feel as if there might be a chance she might become unnerved by my presence and clutch her purse tighter or walk the other way. So if it's not for work. I do not leave home much. Especially in Texas. and half of this would be my condition and the other half the truth that it's not just me. It's a lot of Americans who don't feel entitled to be here. They are tourist. And it's despicable and sad.

Through therapy, a lot of reflection and medications I work through my "fear of people". Getting over that hump takes work...possibly more than some people who have been harassed by policemen , maybe not. In some of my conversations with people who have had unjust run ins with the law, it still leaves a stain that can't released with a couple of consecutive wash cycles and a cap full of bleach.

Two weeks ago the News that Arizona passed a Bill that required policemen to ask people whom they think are illegal viciously bit a nerve deep inside of me. Sb 1070 gives police officers the right to judge you and hassle you for proof you exist here. It would be one thing if this law required everyone to be monitored and asked to show their papers but it does not. I fully understand that Arizona has the worse border problems in the US because it's popular point. Many illegals DIE while trying to cross the border and get to civilization while avoiding being caught and deported. The Problems that Arizona is forced to endure matter, greatly so. But there is a need for a better solution. This solution that's on the table promises nothing but the treat of violence and upheaval and the abuse of legal residents who are Mexican Americans who will be told by the action of this law that they don't belong here. If you're Mexican American and already feel like a stranger in your own land, then you must prepare yourself to feel that again..and again. Every step you take and at any moment between foot fall and foot rise you could be asked..."Do you belong here?" and the chances of corruption by a police officer under this law is greatly promoted through the language of it.

So for two weeks This has been THE topic of discussion and outrage among those who see it as a step towards the back and not the front. I said i would write a proper entry, but i had to find a fresh approach to this. It seems that people do not understand the politics of this... so How about the human mechanics of this law and it's glaring faults. Here I use myself and my struggle as a doorway or bridge rather to understanding the emotional impact of racial profiling. And Hopefully it resonated with someone who might not ever experience the feeling of not belonging.. or someone who has but can't equate it to what many minorities in America feel when targeted by the police. It breeds pretty much, FEAR and LOATHING.

Just pondering: Is there such a thing as being TOO honest?

Just brief note:

I was thinking a bit earlier today while walking to the vitamin store, how would it read if you were on date with someone you really were enchanted by and they had a moment lucidity. They put down their drink and directly locks your eyes with their eyes and tell you in a "Matter-of-Fact" tone:


"I am not datable. I am slow to trust, and I will not trust you for some time but by the time i trust you completely and make the decision to allow you into my life, you will have become frustrated and insecure. You will think I don't care for you which will be partially true. It happens all the time..and I like you far too much to... "lead you on". I am only half way physically attracted to you. Because you are sweet and have a personality that shines i am more attracted to you. This allows me feel a tad bit obligated to sleep with you tonight if you pay the check so because i fear not being in control i will pay for my own meal and drinks- because i can not trust that you do not have ulterior motives in paying for this date.I don't want to feel further obligated to sleep with you. If any of what i said offends you or shoots up red flags I will not be offended if you left your half of the bill in cash while i go to bathroom and ditch me. I would actually prefer it because I dislike pressure and feeling as if i have responsibility, which is why i am single at the moment. There is pressure now to act as if i like you sexually. But i do like you intellectually. If you leave on your own, i get a way out of this uncomfortableness i feel because i do like you and I know that i am completely unsuitable for a decent guy like you."

If someone were THAT honest on a first date..would you appreciate their honesty? No one is THAT honest, but in a perfect world would you want to know all the faults and neurosis up front, baggage tagged and labeled with a nice thick black sharpie pen in BOLD??


Or is there a reason for the sometimes "fake", soft first moments you encounter with someone you like, in which you are supposed to politely hold all of your demons in the closet and slowly but surely usher them out one by one.

Anesthesia Begins to sound like Anesthesia! New episodes

When i embarked on putting together a podcast, I had an idea of what type of cast I would personally listen to, and that I wanted something dreamy, cerebral, vast and intelligent. I had no idea how much work it would take to reach the kind of sound and production i wanted with Anesthesia. I wanted Anesthesia not to just SOUND like a sonic escape.. i wanted it to BE a sonic escape. Literally, take you out your comfort zone and toss somewhere OUT THERE, i don't know where, but anywhere but here.

After 2 month of trial and error and learning new tricks... "A walk in the Dark" accomplishes what i set out to do for the first time ever. Episode 6 is when Anesthesia is actually becomes it's own beast. Now whether anyone else thinks highly of it's content ... that's a question yet to be answered.

I wish i knew how many were actually listening to this Cast. That question actually has kept me from airing the second cast- Hipster Please, which is more "user friendly" and it's format is traditional talky-radio program.


You can check out this weeks edition of ANESTHESIA at Maddjackkash.com, by either streaming or an easy direct download.

http://maddjackkash.com/#/anesthesia/4539439242

Ask Jack#2 "The honeymoon is over"

Anonymous said...

i have a general question that boggles my mind: is there such thing as a honeymoon phase? if so, when does its usually occur and how long does its last? would this occur during the lust phase of a relationship . . . . . . .

thanks,
"When the honeymoon is over"

_______________________

Dear "When the honeymoon is over",

Yes, there is a Honeymoon period. For me the "Honeymoon Period" is actually a thick section of the act of "Courtship". It's when you are experiencing the fresh scent of newness and the feel of a new skin on yours that you and the object of your affection tend to emotionally put on your 'Sunday Best'. It's instinctual to want your boyfriend or girlfriend to see you in the best light, so the journey through the first bloom of romance is going to be heightened. Most people consciously avoid arguments, downplay insecurities and phobias. All faults are left on the back burner because you are looking at this new joint venture through these spectacular rose tinted glasses and you're willing to be somewhat blinded by the light. Face it, who really wants to think the worst of a possible new mate, perhaps someone you could marry? We all want the grand love story and most people go into dating, especially with someone who presents themselves early on as a possible serious partner- and "great love", willingly in a nice thick purple haze, a Haze so thick faults aren't readily noticed, and if you do find fault with the guy, but really really like him, you'll make up some reason to grant him an exception. This is what MOST people do.. but certainly not all.

The honeymoon ends when you have your first argument that doesn't magically end with tight and clean resolve. The honeymoon is over when the purple haze clears and your faults emerge with his, like sunken ships of past wreckage floating to the surface of an ocean rather than a lake and the reality that you're actually dealing with another human instead of a romance novel character becomes HD clear. The honeymoon is over, and now you are left with questions that need answers like: "Can i live with the fact that he's really narcissistic, I thought the fact he talked about himself a lot was just because we were getting to know each other, and when he talked about himself in third person, i thought was cute. But Now it's annoying. And i'm realizing that our outings all center on his schedule and not mine." When you start to think thoughts like THIS, the honeymoon is over and reality has slapped you in the face like a slab of raw cold dead beef fresh from the butcher. There will be blood.

ALL of this is WORST case scenario. Most faults aren't so glaring. We are human. Most faults are actually workable. Faults like schedule, money, slight differences in poltical and personal opinions. The honeymoon period obscures these because they don't matter to you so much as just basking in the glow of partner who fits the bill, turns you on and interest you enough that you invest time in them. You'll know the honeymoon is over when you begin the task, seemingly automatically, of auditing what you've spent emotionally and even intellectually on this relationship.

I must add though I think that there is really no way to avoid the honeymoon period and it's inevitable end. I think it's the healthiest, most natural route..maybe the only route. I mean, think about it. How many people enter a dating situation with all the baggage on the table- tagged and labeled. Would you date the guy who said this to you on the first date?:

"I was sexually abused when i was a child, so i am hyper sexual.. and enjoy sex.. and in 3 weeks i will shut down sexually towards you and start to pursue other purely sexual relationships with other women while still dating you.. i will lie to you but not directly, i will lie indirectly by leaving out details, so when you find out i have "lied" i will bank on your lingering doubts to excuse such behavior from me.. i will get a little distant but by then you will have been exposed you to my sweetness and you will sympathize with me and allow me to treat you like shit because i will appeal to your god complex. I also have an inferiority complex and I will by week 5 become overly defensive in general, light disagreements. When we go out with your friends i will get jealous and will cause an argument to bring your attention back to me so that I feel special again. Your friends will start to not want to hang around us, and i will use this make you feel as if i am being unfairly judged by them. This will bring you closer to me, and by the end of the year we will be one big co-dependent mess."



Best regards,

Jack Kash

laid to unrest

Before i put the Mandingo Entry and it's multifaceted structure to rest, and avoid the topic of race for a few months or until something unavoidable renders itself onto cultural or personal fabric that I MUST comment, I want to close with these words and a few short stories into my history and why racial issues matter much to me and how.

I think matters of race and discrimination can never be fully understood under an umbrella epiphany. It's virtually impossible for everyone to understand where everyone comes from, so least we can work towards is tolerance and an acceptance of dialogue. Whenever i travel to the south the emotions i have about my race and how i relate to racism and bigotry seem to float to the top. By no means are my negative experiences limited to the south... they go all the way back to a child in southern California. But i didn't KNOW what it felt like to truly feel as if you are completely subhuman until i came out and a little incident in Louisiana in which i arrested for the first time in my life, in a wal-mart parking lot looking for a lost car. The deafening and humiliating blow of the Louisiana experience was so sobering as to what reality is vs the way it SHOULD be, that I can now say from now until I die.. I can split my life into two Categories Pre-Louisiana and Post. From that experience, My head slammed on the back of a police car- while 15 to 20 people watched as i was branded as a criminal for an hour that seemed to last a fucking day, I learned that no matter who you think you are, you will always be something or someone else to someone else. For we exist in the fun-house mirrored halls of perception- and there are a lot people who will view me and have viewed me for nothing else than being a black man through the distortion of their beholder lens. So of course I'm going to write about it, I'm going to share my opinions on it. To those who say, let it rest- get over it. I can already guess the color of your skin-and the color of your skin allows you that option. And that is a blessing.

For those who can not- then I speak to you about you. I speak about US. The feelings that i often feel of NOT having a legitimate claim to breath. NO legitimate claim to walk at night without being feared or a cop thinking i am up to no good. I come from a kind that is worthless but because i am "attractive" or "particularly smart" i beat the rest of 'em out, by an inch. The feeling that I am a house Negro that panders to the majority for acceptance and asylum from the menace of the minority. The feeling that i have third and fourth rate rights period. When i am in a store i must pay attention to my hands and instantly check my bag even if there is no sign requiring you to do so. I must pay attention to what i am wearing on the streets and that I should make sure i talk clean and in neat sentences. The feeling that i must exert in a manner overt that I am educated and smart and i will not rob you. I am not a violent crackhead. I don't chase after white men. But i don't fraternize with only blacks because they have no social hold.

I am not a monster. But i feel as if i am one.


So I will not stop writing about these issues or how i personally feel, even if it is displeasing to someone who crosses this blog. I am not asking for sympathy either. No "oh poor black guy"..."poor angry black guy".. I am not angry.. maybe a tad bit worn but i am increasingly motivated to take apart these issues that still haunt us.. even if it appears as if they've gone away.. they haven't. They've shifted and mutated much like every social issue existing now and today. They haven't fully healed because a great portion of people think that it's been solved, it's like still-water pushed under the bed frame... mildew becomes airborne, bed we lie in infested and toxic.

My mother read the Mandingo entry. On a lighter note, she wagged her finger at me for using the word Cracker. "I'm surprised at you.. you have white friends.. apologize!" My defense of, This is the format i write in and the context that used that word is explained in the passages and tone of the essay, was lost on deaf ears. "I raised you to be racially sensitive. "

So with that!!

I'm sorry for using the word cracker and to those who i offended. I apologize profusely.

I should have used Honky.